All I Want For Christmas is a Blow Job?

Talk about not getting what you wanted most for Christmas.

At the top of this dude's list was a little oral action but it looks like Santa wasn't in the mood to deliver. Instead this bad boy ended up with a sharp pair of fangs at the end of his favorite banana. No telling how many stitches to put Humpty back together again.

Men cruising Deltona area bars may want to give some serious consideration to committing the mug shot in the article to memory.

Least we forget this is the season, here's an inspirational thought... Those of us not living north of the Palm Beach line should count our blessings. Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia. Amen. Don't forget to read the many truly joyous comments on the link & of course add your own. De nada!

You can see why I simply could not pass this story up. Merry Christmas to you and yours South Florida style.

Noche Buena

For a lot of people Christmas Eve dinner is a standing rib roast or a roast turkey. But this is South Florida and hispanics rule. According to Cuban traditions it is now time for all true Hialeahians to take home the puerco for a traditional Christmas Eve roast.

So plan accordingly, a pig under 100 pounds will cost you $1.20 a pound, larger than that is $1.10 a pound plus the hitman fee. Oh you can get a frozen one but there's nothing like going down to the Cabrera slaughterhouse and have them bag the pig of your choice. After that it's up to you...either roast in a pit or use a Caja China to roast it.

So gather the family, bring out the Bacardi & get blasted just enough to forget that Florida is about the last place on the planet most of us want to be right now. I hear Obama is going to be loosening up regulations on visiting Havana. That or I may have to invest in a good pair of flippers. Felice Navidad y'all.

Florida Foreclosure Zoo

Who do we thank for all the homes with boarded windows with their lockboxes, sitting among the growing weeds?

Would it be the banks, loan consultants, mortgage brokers who handed out money to fools without verifying income...the property appraisers assigning home values without a thought to ethics or basic common sense? The realtors promising buyers their properties would only increase in value just so they could make a commission? Maybe it was the buyers themselves, taking out lines of equity they had no business taking out but then you could always argue well who gave it to them.

Looks like too many people were involved to have had it go on unnoticed. So what were Florida's finest elected officials and state regulators doing when this was going down?

Just someone please tell me why they did nothing to stop the fraud.

Marijuanaville

Looking for ways to boost your own personal economic depression? You may have to look no further than your own backyard...garage...bathroom. Yes sir just take those seeds of doubt and let them sprout into your very own cannabis garden of delight South Florida style! This is the perfect climate to grow that special variety of Mean Miami Green, and no better time than these humid summer, fall, winter, spring months. Year round opportunities.

No need to wait it out for Sarah Palin to grow a brain, nor wait for the Congress or House to save Main Street. Why hell, you could own Main street if your crop of green does well, as a good number of Florida developers have found to be evidently so over the years. But you never know, so just a caution should you decide to play Farmer Bob... be advised that the family who grows pot together just might end up in court together.

Still, think of the bonding....why even little ole Abuela can lend a helping hand with the watering can.

Iguanas Rule

What is it with all the iguana haters down here? It's not like the thorny green lizards are going after our live young for god's sake. If anything should be on the animal hit list it should be the cucarachas (and don't tell me they're just bugs, they're the size of mice down here.)

But no, our official city idiots are now putting iguana worries way ahead of our disappearing population & tourists, the high cost of living, mortgage & rental fraud skyrocketing, not to mention increased crime due to gun violence.

Don't you think that instead of coming up with iguana rules, we should turn our lemons into lemonade? Why not make the best of it by sending our green skinned friends upstate to replace the rather reptilian guard in Tallahassee? We could pay them in flowers instead of our dollars...why think of all the money lobby groups could be saving.

Yes, I do believe, those are the real reptiles we need to be concerned with ousting.

Gator Big Mac

Looking for ways to trim your grocery bill while making sure you get enough protein in these lean economical times? Folks in Florida just need to take out the boats and head west for U.S. 27 where there are more gators than mosquitos.

High in protein & ever so abundant in their growing numbers, gators are being added to the deli counter right next to the boarshead. I can see it now, Gator Picadillo, Gator Meatballs, Fresh Gator Tail Salad....after all, it's only fair we start eating them for a change. Heavens knows they've been feeding off us for years.

Check out this eerie article on unidentified bodies dumped in West Broward & Palm Beach Canals going back to the 1970s...and these are the ones they've found (more or less). No wonder gators aren't afraid of humans anymore, we've been their gourmet delights for a long, long time.

Time to change the game rules?

Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:

Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons

Water....ice....a few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?

Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.

And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.

Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.

Grove Not Grooving on Peacocks

Peacock poop is not exactly da shit in Coconut Grove these days. Grove residents have worked themselves in a real peafoul stew over the colorful birds, describing health concerns from peacock droppings affecting them with respiratory ailments, as well as the aggravation of having to daily wash cars to remove peacock caca. The birds also keep residents awake with their night partying cries.

There are at least 3 dozen peacocks, all of which are protected under a Miami law that designates the city a bird sanctuary, further protecting them from trappers, so their removal is no easy feat. City Commissoner Mark Sarnoff is looking into solutions while probably praying daily they fly to Ft. Lauderdale, like half of Miami has done.

Although I love peacocks I can remember totally sleepless nights as a child in Hialeah, listening to the horrible sounding screams they made from the nearby farms along Red Road. Of course the farms are long gone and in their place some of the ugliest apartment housing to be found in South Florida.

Almost as bad, maybe even worse than looking at peacock poop.

Goat Head Soup

Santeria practitioners have been sent to the back of the bus when it comes to animal sacrificing in Broward county. Goats and chickens in Ft. Lauderdale can heave a sigh of relief knowing that the only place in South Florida they are not safe would be in the greater Miami/Hialeah area. If they are smart domestic animals they will stick far north of the Palmetto.

There is an estimated 100,000 people practicing the Santeria religion in South Flo, and if you want more information on animal sacrificing techniques you can either visit the Lukimi church in Hialeah, or take a course in Afro Cuban Divination at FIU this fall (I swear to God). Practitioners cite their rights to tack goat heads to trees under religious freedom laws, and hope that tolerance for ritualistically skinned animals improves. Oh, yeah, that is going to happen here in Weston. Can't you just see the quaint little Santeria shop opening next to Starbucks?

My only personal experience with the dark side was to stumble upon a fully dressed chicken (minus a head) sitting tied to a small chair in the middle of the road. If you have any idea what this might represent, feel free to chime in...

Disney World Says No to Guns at Work

Well it looks like Mickey Mouse & pals had the balls to say no when our irresponsible legislators and senators lacked the courage to do just that. This no would be Disney's response to the infamous although recent Preservation and Protection of the Right to Keep and Bear Arms in Motor Vehicles Act of 2008, the gun bill that encourages lunatic employees throughout Florida to store their guns in their work vehicles (makes going postal all the more convenient don't you know?)

Disney cited exemption under a clause in the bill due to their use and storage of explosives, which exempts companies from complying with the lunacy bill sponsored by Sen. Durell Peaden who is now having a stroke objecting, "Not Disney...not at all!!"

Don't worry tourists, Disneys zero tolerance for bringing firearms to work will be grounds for termination at most Disney properties not including the Disney Cruise Line parking lots or Vero Beach Resort. On the other hand you may really want to rethink that trip to Sea World where they proudly proclaim supporting employees rights to bring guns to that tourist resort parking lot.

Hats off to Mickey for trying to stop the gun madness that has swept Florida. One can only surmise that the NRA dollars don't seem to sway Disney quite the way they have affected Florida's elected representatives.

Hookers On Wheels

Miami Beach undercover police busted a riding brothel on wheels this week after paying the $40. bus fare just to climb on board. After paying for $20.00 lap dances (how many?) and a $125.00 entrance fee to the private curtained VIP section where they were promised the time of their lives, police arrested three prostitutes & assorted friends.

All this as the sleek black cruiser bus rolled down Collins Avenue. Yes, the officers claim they showed their badges and did not remove their clothing, although they did admit to enjoying a vodka with cranberry juice.

For those of you tourists following South Florida market prices, the going price for a blow job on Collins would be $100.



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Florida #2 Gun Runners!

Much to everyone's surprise Florida lost the number one spot in gun exportation to Georgia according to the latest Brady report. Still Florida managed to export 2,328 guns last year to stronger gun control states (that would be about any state but this one), guns that were then used in crimes.

They couldn't have done it without the help of most of our state representatives and legislators, not to mention our governor. So it's no surprise that while most of the nation shows a decrease in crime according to FBI stats, South Florida shows an increase, especially in homicides.

But if this year has been any indication, you all just wait and watch Florida rise to number one Gun runner in the nation come next year given the faithful support of the NRA lobbyists. Tallahassee has deep pockets, and you can bet it's not to hold any of our homegrown oranges either.

Sawgrass Mall Wins!

It's official...Sawgrass Mall, that sacred tourist highlight of many a tour, now ranks as having the highest number of robberies in South Florida. Not only highest, but at a glance easily triple or quadruple other malls.

This gives those of us in Weston have very good reason to warmly welcome our potentially new stomping grounds, The Commons, if it ever gets built. It will be so nice to park and walk into a mall without having to pack one's magnum. Not that I have a magnum. No way would I ruin the shape of one of my purses. But until the city of Weston decides to stop locking horns with Davie over The Commons, I'll have to settle for packing the Chihuahua instead.

Pudgy dogs get can get so mean on an empty stomach that I will have nothing to fear.

Better Than Sex?

There is a new dessert restaurant opening in Key West called Better Than Sex, offering such specialties as Pumpin Pie and Pop My Cherry Cheesecake. It's said to be shocking even to the Key Westers because up until now the only thing they thought better than sex was fishing.

But for those of you who really want to check out some of the best authentic Florida Keys desserts you can make at home just clink on the link and get started. There are also some interesting recipes for Gator tacos and Green Iguana Soup in case you are into a more balanced diet.

As for me, I will stick with the key lime pie recipe or even better run out to Cold Stone Creamery for the best ice cream on the planet.

Burma Dies, We Watch

Millions of people are starving to death in Burma and somehow the most powerful nations in the world are helpless in a silent death watch. Or should I say they act helpless.

Since when did diplomatic etiquette take precedence over courage and integrity?

We can commit to a war in Iraq for the next five years where we are not wanted....but we turn a deaf ear to a nation crying for help. A nation where monks are gunned down, villages burnt to the ground, and where disease and starvation are killing over a million people. The genocide of the Burmese occurs with the silent conspiracy of the western nations, and the impotent United Nations.

Still we plan on holding the Olympics in a nation that supports the butcherers of the Burmese. Our own president is planning on attending.

The dying people of Burma have become the shame of our planet.

No Balls Tallahassee

Not to worry Floridians, your senators are hard at work in Tallahassee ensuring not only your right to blow away your neighbor and your fellow workers, but protecting your southern sensibilities from offensive truck-nutz.

For those of you not fortunate enough to own a pair, that would be the name given to the giant testicle like things that swing from under trucks, dashboard mirror or wherever it is that they might hang from. Yes sir, Senator Carey Baker, a Republican (of course) from Eustis is determined to ban the offensive trucktickles introducing a bill that tickets drivers who have them.

Before you panic, rest assured Senator Jim King, a Republican (of course) from Jacksonville who proudly boasts he once hung his favorite FSU balls in his own vehicle, will not let this bill go unchallenged.

What a tremendous relief to our entire state. Tallahassee is there for us once again.

Florida aka the Gunshine State

Florida's lawmaker's have decided to turn this into the Gunshine state. It will be up to Crist to sign Take Your Guns to Work bill, and he has already given every indication he will do so.

God help Florida.

Horny Gator Cruises Streets

It's that time of year again. When the sun and humidity makes the natives a little too hot for their own skin. Humans take to tank tops and flip flops, and gators take to the streets of Ft. Lauderdale looking for a lithe gator mate.

At least that's what one 10 foot gator appeared to be prowling for as he stopped traffic in Tamarac this morning as he cruised along State Road 7 and the Turnpike, all 400 pounds of him. Wildlife trappers removed him to a processing plant due to his large size rather than release him back into the club lands of South Florida.

See valuable safety tips in the Native Danger guide above on things one should remember when it comes to gators....such as not keeping one as a pet and seeking medical help if bitten. Glad they cleared that one up.

Take Your Uzi To Work Day

Living in Florida has just got a little safer. Yes sir, in the state where you can't order lunch at Wendy's without being annihilated by bullets, nor argue with your neighbor over the lawn without being shot dead, now you get to pack your gun for work. Imagine the convenience when your boss tries to fire you. You won't have to wait for the ride home to point your gun at the guy who cuts you off; you can go postal where it really counts!

State representatives, mostly republicans pushed through HB 503 Take Your Gun to Work this week and although Democrats fought, they didn't fight hard enough. Despite concerns voiced by Florida Chamber of Commerce and other business groups, the voice of reason was drowned out by the gun industry's version of the trinity: The Uzi, the Semi, and the Saturday Night Special. You can bet our NRA butt kissing senators and Crist will do their mighty best to lay alms at the gun industry's feet by passing this through as well. The bill gives employees the right to keep the gun in their car as long as they have a concealed permit. Yeah, we all feel better about that.

On the up side, I hear Florida business owners will be able to deduct the cost of bullet proof vests as a justifiable expense.

Tallahassee, you guys got to be on crack.

Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police

Never fear! The Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police Squad is here!

In a state where population growth in South Florida is diminishing due to taxes, crimes, shootings, reduced law enforcement and justice budgets our Florida legislators still manage to remain focused on the more critical issues such as trying to pass laws making toilet paper rolls a requirement in public bathrooms.

Never mind that sanitation guidelines strictly require this, it was not enough for Senator Victor Crista (Republican from Tampa) who had a life changing experience in a restaurant bathroom stall with an empty roll and no soap. Representative Betty Reed (Democrat from Tampa) agreed with him in her unfortunate experience not realizing the roll was empty until it was TOO LATE. Dear God.

Despite their touching stories of personalized trauma, HB 437 went into the shredder. Can you imagine if it hadn't? What would happen to special interest groups as a result? But don't worry lobbyists, your jobs still look secure.

Feel free to send your donated containers of Wet Ones to Betty and Victor, who by now are no doubt working hard on legislation to require bidets in the state capitol.

Calle Ocho Party Time

Today Calle Ocho turns a ripe 30 years old. If you are young enough, wanna be drunk enough, and don't mind the crowd or hot sun, head down to Flagler for Miami's biggest block party of the year. Over 1 million people will be heading down to SW 8 Street to sway their hips to the sounds of 16 stages to include Harry Connick Jr., Flo Rida, Wyclef Jean and Herbie Hancock.

Plenty of warm beer, mojitos, traffic, arepas, and empanadas for the entire conga line. Just think, if Castro had not been such a jerk none of us here would have ever learned to dance salsa, appreciate a perfectly prepared tamale (this can only be found at Don Arturos by the way), or drive Cuban style.

Muchos gracias to our South Florida Latinos for teaching this state how to party...

Boca Raton Fights Back Condom Kiosks

A hot dog stand is a hot dog stand anywhere but in the middle of Boca Raton.

In this city where the median family income is $90,000, 90% of the population is white, million dollar plus estate homes line the well manicured, perfectly planned city, and residents cringe at the mere thought of anything breaking that perfect Prada image.

Residents are now furiously battling the owner of a hot dog stand in the area of Palmetto Park Road and A1A, insisting the $2.50 Nathan hotdogs being sold within view of the neighboring million condominiums such as the neighboring Meridian are not only offensive, but pose a danger in that who knows what they might bring next.

The ruffled well-feathered Boca residents are protesting the obvious violation of a"community appearance protocol" which just might turn the prestigious Boca area into a Coney Island, God forbid. Concerns voiced by residents include fears that venders may hawk condoms, hats, and even suntan oils from the open air kiosk carts. Boca etiquette prohibits the ingestion of vulgar hot dogs and screwing within city limits, which explains why they shop so much.

This has turned into a real battle considering the City Manager's office just signed a contract with the owner of the cart, who in turn invested $10,000 of his hard earned hot dog money into this venture. Stay tuned for the final outcome in this hot dog war where the wearied wealthy Bocans attempt to crush out the poor, hardworking vendor under their Ferragamo heels.

All this state where you need a bullet proof vest just to mow the lawn. It is true what they say, the rich are very different...and at times, equally ridiculous.

Spring Break is a Bust

Looking for a memorable time in Ft. Lauderdale during your well earned spring break? May want to look twice somewhere else. Message being spread in Ft. Lauderdale is that unless you are gay or rich, (preferrably both and either is cool with me) don't bother packing the cold bud and hot thongs because this beach is not for you. According to Nicki Grossman, President of Greater Ft. Lauderdale Convention and Visitor's Bureau, those wild spring break days of yesteryear are being bid a not so fond "adieu".

With tourism dollars on the decline, the focus is on recruiting not the poor beer slopping students from days past, but those with padded Gucci wallets who can better afford the trendy boutiques, cafes, hotels and restaurants dotting Las Olas and 17th street causeway. Think more in the cache of yachting apparel, doff the wet t-shirt mind set and you get the idea.

Enjoy yourself too much and you may find yourself in need of bail money. The list of no's: no flashing body parts, drinking on the beach or in public, drinking underage, driving on the beach, refusing to leave a bar after being told by the police...all to the tune of 150 people being arrested last spring break.

In case you think all is doomed, rest assured the Elbo Room which was launched by spring breakers way back when, (before my time I assure you) is still there...at least for the time being.

Eating Fast Food at Wendy's Could Kill You

It's not just fat grams you need to watch in West Palm Beach fast food spots anymore...better start counting the bullets as well.

Seven people were shot today in Wendy's during the lunch hour when a well dressed gentleman (armed of course because this is Florida where we have laws specifically written to encourage that) opened fire, killing one person, wounding five, before turning the gun on himself. With three of those victims in critical condition the final death count is unknown.

All this from one 9mm handgun. Of course let's not forget to give tribute where tribute is due. The lame duck award goes to our governor, representatives, and congressmen who do nothing to stop the violence from guns spreading over the sunshine state. Why? This is why. Those bullets pay for a lot of Tallahassee and Washington business lunches.

If guns don't kill then we need to start taking a close look at the lunatics holding them because somehow these innocent guns are being walked out of homes and into our lives.

We, the unarmed of Florida, have become target practice for a new breed of gun extremists loose in America. Under all that rhetoric blaspheming the Second Amendment is the ugly truth of it....human beings are now their favorite Bulls Eye.

Saving Florida's Manatees One Keg At a Time

Calling all beer bellied abled men in Miami who know how to shake their wicked booties. The Florida Marlins could be looking for you to join their cheerleading squad, the Manatees. The team is looking for ten BIG guys to join ranks, recently holding try outs this past weekend. Oversized guts aside fellas, ya need to be able to tell your left foot from your right, at least to follow a simple dance routine.

Could this be you? Praise Jesus' holy name, finally those naucho nights at Hooters and midnight raids on the Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey may be paying off!

Rumor has it the new team will be paid their weight in kegs of ale, double cheeseburgers, and cheesy fries. Those of you working on your six pack (not the six pack you cart out of the cooler section), or limiting fat grams to 50 a day need not apply.

Only the truly chunky will join ranks of this elite sea cow cheerleading squad as they jump, dance, and roll around during Friday and Saturday Marlin games. Who knows, they might provide more excitement than the Marlins have managed to bring to the game...

Oh Give Me a Home Where Neanderthals Don't Roam

Oh Joy! Florida is moving into a new age as evidenced by the mere mention of evolution being taught in the public school curriculum. How long did it take our department of education to think about this before deciding to mention it to students is a little frightening. I hope they are not holding back on anything else.

Of course the subject itself can only be referred to as the theory of evolution, as a compromise to the bible whacking crowd who are having a fit over it being mentioned at all. It just goes to prove that some of us have evolved...and some have not. Still some are evolving backwards in case anyone has recently visited Floribama. Maybe evolution just hasn't quite caught on in certain parts of the deep South, or perhaps some individuals show a unique resistance to moving forward. It is enough to make one lose sleep, perhaps even entertain thoughts of relocating to Canada.

I've done some careful research, and after much thought, selected the following video which supports Darwinists everywhere...

A Night of Flamingo Voyeurism

Who would have ever thought that Flamingoes like to perform in sex shows, or frogs prefer three-ways, and that size does matter in the world of whales.

Happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Miami Metrozoo's annual Sex and the Animals event. This pre-Valentine's Day lecture is wildly popular, attracting more than 400 people to hear the sleezy tiger porn details.

Amidst mood music from Marvin Gaye and Elton John, glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the warm glow of tiki torches under the romantic half moon, the audience is stirred to blush at the images of crazy tiger and panda sex capades. All up close and personal like on a large projection screen in the zoo's outdoor amphitheater so you don't miss a single erotic moment. There are dozens of animal sex shots in kama sutra positions you might not have thought possible, not to mention titillating pieces of information you really didn't want to know.

For instance, were you even aware that since female pandas have only a three day window in which they can conceive, something zookeepers try to make the most of by helping the pandas to get into the groove by showing them panda porn flicks? I didn't think so.

I would imagine you had no idea that the regal member of a blue whale is an impressive 10 feet. You can bet he doesn't need to go around asking if his jack robinson is big enough for you girl?!!

Of course it is all for a good cause, benefiting the Zoological Society of Florida, offered several times a year. So for a unique Valentine's Day gift your significant other will not soon forget, or anytime you can make a reservation, make your way down (no pun intended) for a night of animal porn at Metrozoo.

Guns Don't Kill; Gun Owners Do

It would be so nice if just a day would go by without another senseless shooting. But those are days are becoming rare now, as guns are found in schools, in stores, in homes and everywhere but where they should be...under lock and key.

It doesn't take but a moment of anger and impulse to draw a weapon, that despite all the claims "guns don't kill", sure manages to extinguish that life spark in under a minute. Something Jerome Jackson found out the hard way. He had been arguing with his Lauderdale Lake's neighbor last week over the length of the lawn, when instead of a yelling match or fistfight, a gun settled the score. Jerome is now dead and his neighbor charged with homicide after pulling out his trusty gun from his waistband to settle a dispute that is becoming almost commonplace in Florida. I am starting to see the light behind the guns don't kill mantra.

It's the idiot gun owners that do. Eureka!

You would think with all the senseless gun violence escalating in South Florida our legislators would do everything in their power to control the spread of this gun epidemic. But not Florida's Senator Mel Martinez. No, he along with a good many other senators are doing their best to push through a bill allowing firearms to be carried in our national parks. I did write him to question why and his response was that "inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome, and unnecessary." Which of course explains everything.

Because just imagine if a burdensome regulation had somehow limited Jerome Jackson's crazy neighbor from ever owning a gun....he might actually be alive today.

But the legislative attitude seems to be more along the lines of heaven forbid we burden a gun owner.

It makes one wonder if the money from gun lobby groups now dropping into the laps of greedy, irresponsible legislators will ever dry up...and when the people being so mercilessly gunned down by the the people holding the guns will stand up for their rights.

Enough already, enough.

An Everglades Sunset

For some the last stop is a hospital room, a hospice bed, a bloodied car wreckage. But if you had a chance to end it your way, exactly what way would that be?

For one man his last moment on earth was deep inside the desolate mystery of the excruciating isolated yet beautiful Everglades National Park in Flamingo Park. Exactly where no one knows for the only thing they found of Brian Renton was a suicide note to his family, his truck, a canoe, and an empty gun case (well, this is Florida). Dying of stomach cancer and without insurance he bid a farewell to those he loved and returned to the wild loneliness of Flamingo where he trudged through the mangroves of Whitewater Bay to take his last breath.

Flamingo is the park where no matter where you drive each mangrove finger looks pretty much like the one before. Where the key deer roam free through the sawgrass and the python swallows the alligator, and the only thing bigger would be the mosquitoes.

Where the incredibly stunning sunset at the end of the day promises that quiet infinity hungry souls long for....

Florida's New Dress Code

"No hats, no hoods, no sunglasses or no service" ... at Florida banks.

Florida has another claim to fame this year. Let's hear a drum roll for the number of bank robberies in our sunshine state which has increased 40% in 2007. So the Florida bankers here have decided to prohibit the wearing of sunglasses, caps, and hoods which bank robbers use so often to prevent easy identification.

Anyone who walks in with the dated robber fashionware will promptly be shuffled off to a separate and secured area. Next year just watch, we will be doing our banking business in the buff. Oh Florida, wouldn't it have made a whole lot more sense not to have armed every idiot in the whole state with their choice of assault weapon to begin with?

Now you will have to excuse me, but I think I will start to work on my ab toning just in case they add more clothes to the list.

Disneyworld? Or Armpit of the South?

Technically Orlando is in Central, not South Florida, but it deserves a special mention, especially since it is home not only to Disneyworld, but to the largest redneck population in Florida, hands down in any contest. Orlando stands as a perfect example on the need for gun control laws in Florida. We don't have much in the way of gun control laws here for those of you planning on moving or visiting...just a lot of guns, bullets, deaths, injuries, which are increasing every year. Homicide rates are increasing in Orlando as much as they are here in Broward county, as the American gun industry consistently provides such a nice variety of arsenal to pick from.

Last week an eight year old boy was arrested in Orlando for bringing his uncle's semi automatic gun to school, (not his uncle, not his aunt, just him). It warranted only a brief mention in Orlando papers, but the astonishing news was in reading the many comments from gun fanatics there expressing concerns NOT for what could have happened to the other students....but that their guns stay their guns.



Dear, dear me but it certainly appears that we must bid an adios to Clint Eastwood with his sexy hat and masterful holster! That sexy Marlboro cowboyman of yesteryear has given birth to a rather smaller, pointier head disappointing version complete with over-sized buck teeth and all of a high school education (this probably overly generous). Optional accessories include pick up truck with gun rack of course, and a pack of younguns practicing with their own rifles, while a chorus of proud voice resonates 'My kids respect guns'.

Too sadly it looks like our future hopes are only our future dopes. Never mind being afraid of criminals with guns, until we start intelligence screening at time of gun purchase, we had better beware the typical Florida gun owner.

Even more sadly, and I try not to despair, there will never be another Clint Eastwood.

Butt Cracks in Palm Beach

The family that gets arrested together in Palm Beach, stays together.

Just recently six members of a family were arrested at a Palm Beach mall in Wellington in a scene that included 20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter. Police locked down the area, shut down roads leading to the mall and for what you might wonder?

In the words of a police official, "His pants were down below his butt. No one goes to the mall and wants to see the crack of someone's butt. The mall doesn't put up with that tomfoolery bullcrap."

That would be correct, a case of saggy pants in Palm Beach draws out a police arsenal only to be compared to a kidnapping. It started with an FSU student arrested for trespassing after returning to a mall he had been thrown out of for wearing his pants too low. Then both parents got into the act and were arrested, charged with trespassing, resisting an officer with violence, assault with intent to commit felony, two counts of battery on a police officer, and assault on a law enforcement officer. Then the 18 year old daughter, a Florida A & M student was charged with four counts of her own. But let's not leave out cousin Alain, 19, who was charged as well with 3 counts of his own. Then there was the 16 year old cousin who was charged as a juvenile on a battery charge. The mother and cousin had prior arrests, but insist their treatment is due to racism, as they are Haitian (not to mention true Jerry Springer material). They indicate when they visit the Palm Beach Mall, people there stare at them, and they feel unwelcome.

Sheriff's Capt. Greg Richter, Wellington's senior law enforcement officer, countered: "The family got involved and tried to intervene and tried to resist the officers and that's why they were subsequently arrested. It had nothing to do with the color of their skin. It had to do with their actions."

So the gold star of the week goes to Wellington Police in Palm Beach as they fight the brave war against butt cracks. And to think we here in Broward were so foolishly concerned about increasing homicide rates. But should you happen to see the video appear, as we all know it will, kindly send it in this direction.