Thursday, December 25, 2008
At the top of this dude's list was a little oral action but it looks like Santa wasn't in the mood to deliver. Instead this bad boy ended up with a sharp pair of fangs at the end of his favorite banana. No telling how many stitches to put Humpty back together again.
Men cruising Deltona area bars may want to give some serious consideration to committing the mug shot in the article to memory.
Least we forget this is the season, here's an inspirational thought... Those of us not living north of the Palm Beach line should count our blessings. Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia. Amen. Don't forget to read the many truly joyous comments on the link & of course add your own. De nada!
You can see why I simply could not pass this story up. Merry Christmas to you and yours South Florida style.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So plan accordingly, a pig under 100 pounds will cost you $1.20 a pound, larger than that is $1.10 a pound plus the hitman fee. Oh you can get a frozen one but there's nothing like going down to the Cabrera slaughterhouse and have them bag the pig of your choice. After that it's up to you...either roast in a pit or use a Caja China to roast it.
So gather the family, bring out the Bacardi & get blasted just enough to forget that Florida is about the last place on the planet most of us want to be right now. I hear Obama is going to be loosening up regulations on visiting Havana. That or I may have to invest in a good pair of flippers. Felice Navidad y'all.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
No need to wait it out for Sarah Palin to grow a brain, nor wait for the Congress or House to save Main Street. Why hell, you could own Main street if your crop of green does well, as a good number of Florida developers have found to be evidently so over the years. But you never know, so just a caution should you decide to play Farmer Bob... be advised that the family who grows pot together just might end up in court together.
Still, think of the bonding....why even little ole Abuela can lend a helping hand with the watering can.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
There is an estimated 100,000 people practicing the Santeria religion in South Flo, and if you want more information on animal sacrificing techniques you can either visit the Lukimi church in Hialeah, or take a course in Afro Cuban Divination at FIU this fall (I swear to God). Practitioners cite their rights to tack goat heads to trees under religious freedom laws, and hope that tolerance for ritualistically skinned animals improves. Oh, yeah, that is going to happen here in Weston. Can't you just see the quaint little Santeria shop opening next to Starbucks?
My only personal experience with the dark side was to stumble upon a fully dressed chicken (minus a head) sitting tied to a small chair in the middle of the road. If you have any idea what this might represent, feel free to chime in...
Friday, July 04, 2008
Disney cited exemption under a clause in the bill due to their use and storage of explosives, which exempts companies from complying with the lunacy bill sponsored by Sen. Durell Peaden who is now having a stroke objecting, "Not Disney...not at all!!"
Don't worry tourists, Disneys zero tolerance for bringing firearms to work will be grounds for termination at most Disney properties not including the Disney Cruise Line parking lots or Vero Beach Resort. On the other hand you may really want to rethink that trip to Sea World where they proudly proclaim supporting employees rights to bring guns to that tourist resort parking lot.
Hats off to Mickey for trying to stop the gun madness that has swept Florida. One can only surmise that the NRA dollars don't seem to sway Disney quite the way they have affected Florida's elected representatives.
Friday, June 27, 2008
All this as the sleek black cruiser bus rolled down Collins Avenue. Yes, the officers claim they showed their badges and did not remove their clothing, although they did admit to enjoying a vodka with cranberry juice.
For those of you tourists following South Florida market prices, the going price for a blow job on Collins would be $100.
Hot Myspace Comments / Myspace Graphics
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Monday, June 02, 2008
This gives those of us in Weston have very good reason to warmly welcome our potentially new stomping grounds, The Commons, if it ever gets built. It will be so nice to park and walk into a mall without having to pack one's magnum. Not that I have a magnum. No way would I ruin the shape of one of my purses. But until the city of Weston decides to stop locking horns with Davie over The Commons, I'll have to settle for packing the Chihuahua instead.
Pudgy dogs get can get so mean on an empty stomach that I will have nothing to fear.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Since when did diplomatic etiquette take precedence over courage and integrity?
We can commit to a war in Iraq for the next five years where we are not wanted....but we turn a deaf ear to a nation crying for help. A nation where monks are gunned down, villages burnt to the ground, and where disease and starvation are killing over a million people. The genocide of the Burmese occurs with the silent conspiracy of the western nations, and the impotent United Nations.
Still we plan on holding the Olympics in a nation that supports the butcherers of the Burmese. Our own president is planning on attending.
The dying people of Burma have become the shame of our planet.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Florida's lawmaker's have decided to turn this into the Gunshine state. It will be up to Crist to sign Take Your Guns to Work bill, and he has already given every indication he will do so.
God help Florida.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
It's that time of year again. When the sun and humidity makes the natives a little too hot for their own skin. Humans take to tank tops and flip flops, and gators take to the streets of Ft. Lauderdale looking for a lithe gator mate.
At least that's what one 10 foot gator appeared to be prowling for as he stopped traffic in Tamarac this morning as he cruised along State Road 7 and the Turnpike, all 400 pounds of him. Wildlife trappers removed him to a processing plant due to his large size rather than release him back into the club lands of South Florida.
See valuable safety tips in the Native Danger guide above on things one should remember when it comes to gators....such as not keeping one as a pet and seeking medical help if bitten. Glad they cleared that one up.
Friday, March 28, 2008
State representatives, mostly republicans pushed through HB 503 Take Your Gun to Work this week and although Democrats fought, they didn't fight hard enough. Despite concerns voiced by Florida Chamber of Commerce and other business groups, the voice of reason was drowned out by the gun industry's version of the trinity: The Uzi, the Semi, and the Saturday Night Special. You can bet our NRA butt kissing senators and Crist will do their mighty best to lay alms at the gun industry's feet by passing this through as well. The bill gives employees the right to keep the gun in their car as long as they have a concealed permit. Yeah, we all feel better about that.
On the up side, I hear Florida business owners will be able to deduct the cost of bullet proof vests as a justifiable expense.
Tallahassee, you guys got to be on crack.
Friday, March 21, 2008
In a state where population growth in South Florida is diminishing due to taxes, crimes, shootings, reduced law enforcement and justice budgets our Florida legislators still manage to remain focused on the more critical issues such as trying to pass laws making toilet paper rolls a requirement in public bathrooms.
Never mind that sanitation guidelines strictly require this, it was not enough for Senator Victor Crista (Republican from Tampa) who had a life changing experience in a restaurant bathroom stall with an empty roll and no soap. Representative Betty Reed (Democrat from Tampa) agreed with him in her unfortunate experience not realizing the roll was empty until it was TOO LATE. Dear God.
Despite their touching stories of personalized trauma, HB 437 went into the shredder. Can you imagine if it hadn't? What would happen to special interest groups as a result? But don't worry lobbyists, your jobs still look secure.
Feel free to send your donated containers of Wet Ones to Betty and Victor, who by now are no doubt working hard on legislation to require bidets in the state capitol.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Plenty of warm beer, mojitos, traffic, arepas, and empanadas for the entire conga line. Just think, if Castro had not been such a jerk none of us here would have ever learned to dance salsa, appreciate a perfectly prepared tamale (this can only be found at Don Arturos by the way), or drive Cuban style.
Muchos gracias to our South Florida Latinos for teaching this state how to party...
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
In this city where the median family income is $90,000, 90% of the population is white, million dollar plus estate homes line the well manicured, perfectly planned city, and residents cringe at the mere thought of anything breaking that perfect Prada image.
Residents are now furiously battling the owner of a hot dog stand in the area of Palmetto Park Road and A1A, insisting the $2.50 Nathan hotdogs being sold within view of the neighboring million condominiums such as the neighboring Meridian are not only offensive, but pose a danger in that who knows what they might bring next.
The ruffled well-feathered Boca residents are protesting the obvious violation of a"community appearance protocol" which just might turn the prestigious Boca area into a Coney Island, God forbid. Concerns voiced by residents include fears that venders may hawk condoms, hats, and even suntan oils from the open air kiosk carts. Boca etiquette prohibits the ingestion of vulgar hot dogs and screwing within city limits, which explains why they shop so much.
This has turned into a real battle considering the City Manager's office just signed a contract with the owner of the cart, who in turn invested $10,000 of his hard earned hot dog money into this venture. Stay tuned for the final outcome in this hot dog war where the wearied wealthy Bocans attempt to crush out the poor, hardworking vendor under their Ferragamo heels.
All this state where you need a bullet proof vest just to mow the lawn. It is true what they say, the rich are very different...and at times, equally ridiculous.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
If guns don't kill then we need to start taking a close look at the lunatics holding them because somehow these innocent guns are being walked out of homes and into our lives.
We, the unarmed of Florida, have become target practice for a new breed of gun extremists loose in America. Under all that rhetoric blaspheming the Second Amendment is the ugly truth of it....human beings are now their favorite Bulls Eye.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Could this be you? Praise Jesus' holy name, finally those naucho nights at Hooters and midnight raids on the Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey may be paying off!
Only the truly chunky will join ranks of this elite sea cow cheerleading squad as they jump, dance, and roll around during Friday and Saturday Marlin games. Who knows, they might provide more excitement than the Marlins have managed to bring to the game...
Friday, February 22, 2008
Of course the subject itself can only be referred to as the theory of evolution, as a compromise to the bible whacking crowd who are having a fit over it being mentioned at all. It just goes to prove that some of us have evolved...and some have not. Still some are evolving backwards in case anyone has recently visited Floribama. Maybe evolution just hasn't quite caught on in certain parts of the deep South, or perhaps some individuals show a unique resistance to moving forward. It is enough to make one lose sleep, perhaps even entertain thoughts of relocating to Canada.
I've done some careful research, and after much thought, selected the following video which supports Darwinists everywhere...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Who would have ever thought that Flamingoes like to perform in sex shows, or frogs prefer three-ways, and that size does matter in the world of whales.
Happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Miami Metrozoo's annual Sex and the Animals event. This pre-Valentine's Day lecture is wildly popular, attracting more than 400 people to hear the sleezy tiger porn details.
Amidst mood music from Marvin Gaye and Elton John, glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the warm glow of tiki torches under the romantic half moon, the audience is stirred to blush at the images of crazy tiger and panda sex capades. All up close and personal like on a large projection screen in the zoo's outdoor amphitheater so you don't miss a single erotic moment. There are dozens of animal sex shots in kama sutra positions you might not have thought possible, not to mention titillating pieces of information you really didn't want to know.
For instance, were you even aware that since female pandas have only a three day window in which they can conceive, something zookeepers try to make the most of by helping the pandas to get into the groove by showing them panda porn flicks? I didn't think so.
I would imagine you had no idea that the regal member of a blue whale is an impressive 10 feet. You can bet he doesn't need to go around asking if his jack robinson is big enough for you girl?!!
Of course it is all for a good cause, benefiting the Zoological Society of Florida, offered several times a year. So for a unique Valentine's Day gift your significant other will not soon forget, or anytime you can make a reservation, make your way down (no pun intended) for a night of animal porn at Metrozoo.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
It doesn't take but a moment of anger and impulse to draw a weapon, that despite all the claims "guns don't kill", sure manages to extinguish that life spark in under a minute. Something Jerome Jackson found out the hard way. He had been arguing with his Lauderdale Lake's neighbor last week over the length of the lawn, when instead of a yelling match or fistfight, a gun settled the score. Jerome is now dead and his neighbor charged with homicide after pulling out his trusty gun from his waistband to settle a dispute that is becoming almost commonplace in Florida. I am starting to see the light behind the guns don't kill mantra.
It's the idiot gun owners that do. Eureka!
You would think with all the senseless gun violence escalating in South Florida our legislators would do everything in their power to control the spread of this gun epidemic. But not Florida's Senator Mel Martinez. No, he along with a good many other senators are doing their best to push through a bill allowing firearms to be carried in our national parks. I did write him to question why and his response was that "inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome, and unnecessary." Which of course explains everything.
Because just imagine if a burdensome regulation had somehow limited Jerome Jackson's crazy neighbor from ever owning a gun....he might actually be alive today.
But the legislative attitude seems to be more along the lines of heaven forbid we burden a gun owner.
It makes one wonder if the money from gun lobby groups now dropping into the laps of greedy, irresponsible legislators will ever dry up...and when the people being so mercilessly gunned down by the the people holding the guns will stand up for their rights.
Enough already, enough.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Florida has another claim to fame this year. Let's hear a drum roll for the number of bank robberies in our sunshine state which has increased 40% in 2007. So the Florida bankers here have decided to prohibit the wearing of sunglasses, caps, and hoods which bank robbers use so often to prevent easy identification.
Anyone who walks in with the dated robber fashionware will promptly be shuffled off to a separate and secured area. Next year just watch, we will be doing our banking business in the buff. Oh Florida, wouldn't it have made a whole lot more sense not to have armed every idiot in the whole state with their choice of assault weapon to begin with?
Now you will have to excuse me, but I think I will start to work on my ab toning just in case they add more clothes to the list.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Technically Orlando is in Central, not South Florida, but it deserves a special mention, especially since it is home not only to Disneyworld, but to the largest redneck population in Florida, hands down in any contest. Orlando stands as a perfect example on the need for gun control laws in Florida. We don't have much in the way of gun control laws here for those of you planning on moving or visiting...just a lot of guns, bullets, deaths, injuries, which are increasing every year. Homicide rates are increasing in Orlando as much as they are here in Broward county, as the American gun industry consistently provides such a nice variety of arsenal to pick from.
Last week an eight year old boy was arrested in Orlando for bringing his uncle's semi automatic gun to school, (not his uncle, not his aunt, just him). It warranted only a brief mention in Orlando papers, but the astonishing news was in reading the many comments from gun fanatics there expressing concerns NOT for what could have happened to the other students....but that their guns stay their guns.
Dear, dear me but it certainly appears that we must bid an adios to Clint Eastwood with his sexy hat and masterful holster! That sexy Marlboro cowboyman of yesteryear has given birth to a rather smaller, pointier head disappointing version complete with over-sized buck teeth and all of a high school education (this probably overly generous). Optional accessories include pick up truck with gun rack of course, and a pack of younguns practicing with their own rifles, while a chorus of proud voice resonates 'My kids respect guns'.
Too sadly it looks like our future hopes are only our future dopes. Never mind being afraid of criminals with guns, until we start intelligence screening at time of gun purchase, we had better beware the typical Florida gun owner.
Even more sadly, and I try not to despair, there will never be another Clint Eastwood.
Monday, January 07, 2008
That would be correct, a case of saggy pants in Palm Beach draws out a police arsenal only to be compared to a kidnapping. It started with an FSU student arrested for trespassing after returning to a mall he had been thrown out of for wearing his pants too low. Then both parents got into the act and were arrested, charged with trespassing, resisting an officer with violence, assault with intent to commit felony, two counts of battery on a police officer, and assault on a law enforcement officer. Then the 18 year old daughter, a Florida A & M student was charged with four counts of her own. But let's not leave out cousin Alain, 19, who was charged as well with 3 counts of his own. Then there was the 16 year old cousin who was charged as a juvenile on a battery charge. The mother and cousin had prior arrests, but insist their treatment is due to racism, as they are Haitian (not to mention true Jerry Springer material). They indicate when they visit the Palm Beach Mall, people there stare at them, and they feel unwelcome.