Friday, March 28, 2008

Take Your Uzi To Work Day

Living in Florida has just got a little safer. Yes sir, in the state where you can't order lunch at Wendy's without being annihilated by bullets, nor argue with your neighbor over the lawn without being shot dead, now you get to pack your gun for work. Imagine the convenience when your boss tries to fire you. You won't have to wait for the ride home to point your gun at the guy who cuts you off; you can go postal where it really counts!

State representatives, mostly republicans pushed through HB 503 Take Your Gun to Work this week and although Democrats fought, they didn't fight hard enough. Despite concerns voiced by Florida Chamber of Commerce and other business groups, the voice of reason was drowned out by the gun industry's version of the trinity: The Uzi, the Semi, and the Saturday Night Special. You can bet our NRA butt kissing senators and Crist will do their mighty best to lay alms at the gun industry's feet by passing this through as well. The bill gives employees the right to keep the gun in their car as long as they have a concealed permit. Yeah, we all feel better about that.

On the up side, I hear Florida business owners will be able to deduct the cost of bullet proof vests as a justifiable expense.

Tallahassee, you guys got to be on crack.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police

Never fear! The Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police Squad is here!

In a state where population growth in South Florida is diminishing due to taxes, crimes, shootings, reduced law enforcement and justice budgets our Florida legislators still manage to remain focused on the more critical issues such as trying to pass laws making toilet paper rolls a requirement in public bathrooms.

Never mind that sanitation guidelines strictly require this, it was not enough for Senator Victor Crista (Republican from Tampa) who had a life changing experience in a restaurant bathroom stall with an empty roll and no soap. Representative Betty Reed (Democrat from Tampa) agreed with him in her unfortunate experience not realizing the roll was empty until it was TOO LATE. Dear God.

Despite their touching stories of personalized trauma, HB 437 went into the shredder. Can you imagine if it hadn't? What would happen to special interest groups as a result? But don't worry lobbyists, your jobs still look secure.

Feel free to send your donated containers of Wet Ones to Betty and Victor, who by now are no doubt working hard on legislation to require bidets in the state capitol.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Calle Ocho Party Time

Today Calle Ocho turns a ripe 30 years old. If you are young enough, wanna be drunk enough, and don't mind the crowd or hot sun, head down to Flagler for Miami's biggest block party of the year. Over 1 million people will be heading down to SW 8 Street to sway their hips to the sounds of 16 stages to include Harry Connick Jr., Flo Rida, Wyclef Jean and Herbie Hancock.

Plenty of warm beer, mojitos, traffic, arepas, and empanadas for the entire conga line. Just think, if Castro had not been such a jerk none of us here would have ever learned to dance salsa, appreciate a perfectly prepared tamale (this can only be found at Don Arturos by the way), or drive Cuban style.

Muchos gracias to our South Florida Latinos for teaching this state how to party...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Boca Raton Fights Back Condom Kiosks

A hot dog stand is a hot dog stand anywhere but in the middle of Boca Raton.

In this city where the median family income is $90,000, 90% of the population is white, million dollar plus estate homes line the well manicured, perfectly planned city, and residents cringe at the mere thought of anything breaking that perfect Prada image.

Residents are now furiously battling the owner of a hot dog stand in the area of Palmetto Park Road and A1A, insisting the $2.50 Nathan hotdogs being sold within view of the neighboring million condominiums such as the neighboring Meridian are not only offensive, but pose a danger in that who knows what they might bring next.

The ruffled well-feathered Boca residents are protesting the obvious violation of a"community appearance protocol" which just might turn the prestigious Boca area into a Coney Island, God forbid. Concerns voiced by residents include fears that venders may hawk condoms, hats, and even suntan oils from the open air kiosk carts. Boca etiquette prohibits the ingestion of vulgar hot dogs and screwing within city limits, which explains why they shop so much.

This has turned into a real battle considering the City Manager's office just signed a contract with the owner of the cart, who in turn invested $10,000 of his hard earned hot dog money into this venture. Stay tuned for the final outcome in this hot dog war where the wearied wealthy Bocans attempt to crush out the poor, hardworking vendor under their Ferragamo heels.

All this state where you need a bullet proof vest just to mow the lawn. It is true what they say, the rich are very different...and at times, equally ridiculous.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Spring Break is a Bust

Looking for a memorable time in Ft. Lauderdale during your well earned spring break? May want to look twice somewhere else. Message being spread in Ft. Lauderdale is that unless you are gay or rich, (preferrably both and either is cool with me) don't bother packing the cold bud and hot thongs because this beach is not for you. According to Nicki Grossman, President of Greater Ft. Lauderdale Convention and Visitor's Bureau, those wild spring break days of yesteryear are being bid a not so fond "adieu".

With tourism dollars on the decline, the focus is on recruiting not the poor beer slopping students from days past, but those with padded Gucci wallets who can better afford the trendy boutiques, cafes, hotels and restaurants dotting Las Olas and 17th street causeway. Think more in the cache of yachting apparel, doff the wet t-shirt mind set and you get the idea.

Enjoy yourself too much and you may find yourself in need of bail money. The list of no's: no flashing body parts, drinking on the beach or in public, drinking underage, driving on the beach, refusing to leave a bar after being told by the police...all to the tune of 150 people being arrested last spring break.
In case you think all is doomed, rest assured the Elbo Room which was launched by spring breakers way back when, (before my time I assure you) is still least for the time being.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Eating Fast Food at Wendy's Could Kill You

It's not just fat grams you need to watch in West Palm Beach fast food spots anymore...better start counting the bullets as well.

Seven people were shot today in Wendy's during the lunch hour when a well dressed gentleman (armed of course because this is Florida where we have laws specifically written to encourage that) opened fire, killing one person, wounding five, before turning the gun on himself. With three of those victims in critical condition the final death count is unknown.

All this from one 9mm handgun. Of course let's not forget to give tribute where tribute is due. The lame duck award goes to our governor, representatives, and congressmen who do nothing to stop the violence from guns spreading over the sunshine state. Why? This is why. Those bullets pay for a lot of Tallahassee and Washington business lunches.

If guns don't kill then we need to start taking a close look at the lunatics holding them because somehow these innocent guns are being walked out of homes and into our lives.

We, the unarmed of Florida, have become target practice for a new breed of gun extremists loose in America. Under all that rhetoric blaspheming the Second Amendment is the ugly truth of it....human beings are now their favorite Bulls Eye.