Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:
Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?
Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.
And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.
Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Grove Not Grooving on Peacocks

Peacock poop is not exactly da shit in Coconut Grove these days. Grove residents have worked themselves in a real peafoul stew over the colorful birds, describing health concerns from peacock droppings affecting them with respiratory ailments, as well as the aggravation of having to daily wash cars to remove peacock caca. The birds also keep residents awake with their night partying cries.

There are at least 3 dozen peacocks, all of which are protected under a Miami law that designates the city a bird sanctuary, further protecting them from trappers, so their removal is no easy feat. City Commissoner Mark Sarnoff is looking into solutions while probably praying daily they fly to Ft. Lauderdale, like half of Miami has done.
Although I love peacocks I can remember totally sleepless nights as a child in Hialeah, listening to the horrible sounding screams they made from the nearby farms along Red Road. Of course the farms are long gone and in their place some of the ugliest apartment housing to be found in South Florida.

Almost as bad, maybe even worse than looking at peacock poop.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Goat Head Soup

Santeria practitioners have been sent to the back of the bus when it comes to animal sacrificing in Broward county. Goats and chickens in Ft. Lauderdale can heave a sigh of relief knowing that the only place in South Florida they are not safe would be in the greater Miami/Hialeah area. If they are smart domestic animals they will stick far north of the Palmetto.

There is an estimated 100,000 people practicing the Santeria religion in South Flo, and if you want more information on animal sacrificing techniques you can either visit the Lukimi church in Hialeah, or take a course in Afro Cuban Divination at FIU this fall (I swear to God). Practitioners cite their rights to tack goat heads to trees under religious freedom laws, and hope that tolerance for ritualistically skinned animals improves. Oh, yeah, that is going to happen here in Weston. Can't you just see the quaint little Santeria shop opening next to Starbucks?

My only personal experience with the dark side was to stumble upon a fully dressed chicken (minus a head) sitting tied to a small chair in the middle of the road. If you have any idea what this might represent, feel free to chime in...