Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bringing Hudson Home

Who would have thought that a cream and pink chihuahua with pink ear studs is no longer safe in Wilton Manors? At Georgie's Alibi no less where pink reigns king, or should I say queen?

It's been a few weeks now since Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dognapped by a Britney Spears tattooed perv at a birthday bash. Owner Brian Dortort let someone hold his precious little miss for a moment, and ya know what they say...all it takes is a few minutes.

Now, poof! Hudson is on a milk carton so to speak, considering the Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, Miami Herald are running stories on the missing cutie pie. So if you happen to see little Hudson, help bring her home to daddy. Supposedly there is an arrest warrant waiting to be served on this Britney beeotch who belongs in prison, where all his uniform fantasies should come to life.

As for me, I am grateful for the porky brown chihuahua I have...he would be most difficult indeed to stuff into any purse & run. But we take no chances, even if Mr. Rhinestone Cowboy wants to show off his blinged black velvet collar, he will not be visiting in Wilton Manors anytime soon.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Green Mambas & Mambos

Let's welcome the latest exotic species to invade our South Flo lands...that would be none other than the venomous green mamba snake, the snake with a bite that can kill even faster a case of road rage. Today in Hollywood a cable worker was bitten by a green tree snake with a yellow belly (not to be confused with the similar emerald green tree boas) when he leaned against a coconut palm. He didn't die but came a little close so now the hunt is on for green mambas. Imagine if they cross breed with the golden pythons, what a movie that would make as we all run for the Georgia line.
But if you are, as I am, more concerned about your lack of mambo expertise than you are about mambas falling out of trees try the Mambo con Cache dance school.
Better to get your Sou Flo priorities right... you can always duck the mambas, but it's a lot harder to fake the mambo.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Cone of Death

Here we go again, the cone of uncertain death pointed at South Florida, with two tropical systems causing normal...well relatively so....Floridians to run over old ladies in Publix to get drinking water, & fight to the death to get a tank of gas. But for those of us who dare not to fear here are some basic provisions to get through a very own personal hurricane list:

**Buy a Generator, any generator will do, * a bottle of Light Rum & Fresh Limes & mint *Wine coolers *cat food *dog food *parrot food *toilet paper* South Beach Diet Bars & dinners * the latest DVDs. When your husband comes home with twenty bags of chips and bagels do not let him enter until he eats them all. Make sure you stock up on valium for the dog unless he prefers the rum. Throw out the cans of tuna, no one will eat it , use the five hundred candles & batteries still sitting from last year along with the tons of bottled water never touched.

Then, this is the most important survival tip, make pitcher after pitcher of fresh Mojitos, the Cuban Mojito is the best, freezing them into as many ice cubes as the freezer can get the idea. Usual dose is to melt two in your mouth as needed.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Crocosaurus Dies

Miami's Jungle Island is grieving for the loss of it's forty-seven year old, 2,000 pound crocodile otherwise known as Hank. Sad to say, this son of an Asian & Saltwater crocodile was found at the bottom of his tank Saturday, well on his way to croco heaven where he gets to eat all the chickens he wants.

Hank didn't have many friends over the years, believed to be the largest of his kind in the world, because who wants to swim with a twenty foot crocodile, but he had one, a turtle named Frank who feared him not & will miss him.
Not to worry, the way South Florida breeds reptiles, there will soon be another Hank coming up the ranks.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Kitty Porn

And yet again another reason we in South Florida can point out with pride that while we may have more than our share of pythons, guns, & foreclosures we are still way south of the Orlando & our more rural neighbors, (and if we could somehow move even more south we would, including breaking off & floating over to Cuba.)

Case in point...a Martin county Jensen Beach man recently arrested for downloading kiddie porn on his computer insists he is innocent. The perv is not him, but his sicko cat who keeps hitting the keyboard, entering child porn sites where this feline freak then continues to download away. Maybe confusing kitty porn with kiddie porn, an understandable mistake, while checking out hot new calico tail pics?

Martin county also just recently was recognized for having the highest underage drinking rate in all of Florida. So beware all you young beer guzzlers, and let this story be a lesson to you....before you too turn into a grown man trying to get your cat to take a felony rap for downloading kittie porn.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Gator Hunting Class

Swear to God, check out the video for lots of helpful tips like make sure you count your fingers and toes after an alligator encounter, or at the very least wash your hands. Hunters can only take down 2 gators a season, and no guns only bang sticks are allowed.

Alligator hunting season starts August 15th up to Nov. 1st, the Fish & Wildlife Commission requires a 3 hour training class prior to getting your license to get lost in the swamp. So before you start to plan your matching belt & shoes outfit or brush up on your grandmother's favorite fried gator recipe don't forget to sign up for class!
And here you thought Florida's educational system had nothing to offer.