Black Bears & Snakes With Two Feet

At least the young bear had taste, he just couldn't make up his mind...was it going to be Weston, an exclusive West Broward suburb, or Wellington, more or less the same thing in Palm Beach county. Had he checked 2008 property taxes in either city he would have run for his life. Notice he has some idea of home values because he didn't go near Sunrise or Coral Springs.

But it wasn't going to be his choice anyway. Weston wasted little time in moving out the black bear, and it looks like Wellington didn't waste a minute either. Wildlife officials although they are quick to point out that black bear attacks in Florida are unheard of, have once again relocated the young male to northern Florida.

The good news is so far no one has been eaten by bears, gators or pythons in South Florida recently. But the bad news is that Florida has a real problem with finding elected & appointed state officials with any sense of ethics.

I have it on good authority that the pythons are heading northward, maybe planning on running for governor's office in the next campaign....guess they heard about all the other snakes we seem to have in the state capitol. Snakes with two feet that is. For just what is Tallahassee doing these days aside from continue to increase property taxes while devaluing homes, hike insurance rates, ensure FPL milks every penny it can from Floridians? Answer is simple. They are doing nothing. This while school enrollment and tourism has signficantly dropped, and too many people are packing their bags to relocate to states they can afford to live.

Pythons might prove a welcome relief.

Mr. Bear, you might want to consider heading for the state line until our state capitol does more than just talk the talk about home affordability. We need the jobs that pay the mortgages, and electric bills that don't rival the mortgage payment.

Most importantly we need a state government that actually works.

Iguanas Rule

What is it with all the iguana haters down here? It's not like the thorny green lizards are going after our live young for god's sake. If anything should be on the animal hit list it should be the cucarachas (and don't tell me they're just bugs, they're the size of mice down here.)

But no, our official city idiots are now putting iguana worries way ahead of our disappearing population & tourists, the high cost of living, mortgage & rental fraud skyrocketing, not to mention increased crime due to gun violence.

Don't you think that instead of coming up with iguana rules, we should turn our lemons into lemonade? Why not make the best of it by sending our green skinned friends upstate to replace the rather reptilian guard in Tallahassee? We could pay them in flowers instead of our dollars...why think of all the money lobby groups could be saving.

Yes, I do believe, those are the real reptiles we need to be concerned with ousting.

Disney World Says No to Guns at Work

Well it looks like Mickey Mouse & pals had the balls to say no when our irresponsible legislators and senators lacked the courage to do just that. This no would be Disney's response to the infamous although recent Preservation and Protection of the Right to Keep and Bear Arms in Motor Vehicles Act of 2008, the gun bill that encourages lunatic employees throughout Florida to store their guns in their work vehicles (makes going postal all the more convenient don't you know?)

Disney cited exemption under a clause in the bill due to their use and storage of explosives, which exempts companies from complying with the lunacy bill sponsored by Sen. Durell Peaden who is now having a stroke objecting, "Not Disney...not at all!!"

Don't worry tourists, Disneys zero tolerance for bringing firearms to work will be grounds for termination at most Disney properties not including the Disney Cruise Line parking lots or Vero Beach Resort. On the other hand you may really want to rethink that trip to Sea World where they proudly proclaim supporting employees rights to bring guns to that tourist resort parking lot.

Hats off to Mickey for trying to stop the gun madness that has swept Florida. One can only surmise that the NRA dollars don't seem to sway Disney quite the way they have affected Florida's elected representatives.

Florida #2 Gun Runners!

Much to everyone's surprise Florida lost the number one spot in gun exportation to Georgia according to the latest Brady report. Still Florida managed to export 2,328 guns last year to stronger gun control states (that would be about any state but this one), guns that were then used in crimes.

They couldn't have done it without the help of most of our state representatives and legislators, not to mention our governor. So it's no surprise that while most of the nation shows a decrease in crime according to FBI stats, South Florida shows an increase, especially in homicides.

But if this year has been any indication, you all just wait and watch Florida rise to number one Gun runner in the nation come next year given the faithful support of the NRA lobbyists. Tallahassee has deep pockets, and you can bet it's not to hold any of our homegrown oranges either.

No Balls Tallahassee

Not to worry Floridians, your senators are hard at work in Tallahassee ensuring not only your right to blow away your neighbor and your fellow workers, but protecting your southern sensibilities from offensive truck-nutz.

For those of you not fortunate enough to own a pair, that would be the name given to the giant testicle like things that swing from under trucks, dashboard mirror or wherever it is that they might hang from. Yes sir, Senator Carey Baker, a Republican (of course) from Eustis is determined to ban the offensive trucktickles introducing a bill that tickets drivers who have them.

Before you panic, rest assured Senator Jim King, a Republican (of course) from Jacksonville who proudly boasts he once hung his favorite FSU balls in his own vehicle, will not let this bill go unchallenged.

What a tremendous relief to our entire state. Tallahassee is there for us once again.

Take Your Uzi To Work Day

Living in Florida has just got a little safer. Yes sir, in the state where you can't order lunch at Wendy's without being annihilated by bullets, nor argue with your neighbor over the lawn without being shot dead, now you get to pack your gun for work. Imagine the convenience when your boss tries to fire you. You won't have to wait for the ride home to point your gun at the guy who cuts you off; you can go postal where it really counts!

State representatives, mostly republicans pushed through HB 503 Take Your Gun to Work this week and although Democrats fought, they didn't fight hard enough. Despite concerns voiced by Florida Chamber of Commerce and other business groups, the voice of reason was drowned out by the gun industry's version of the trinity: The Uzi, the Semi, and the Saturday Night Special. You can bet our NRA butt kissing senators and Crist will do their mighty best to lay alms at the gun industry's feet by passing this through as well. The bill gives employees the right to keep the gun in their car as long as they have a concealed permit. Yeah, we all feel better about that.

On the up side, I hear Florida business owners will be able to deduct the cost of bullet proof vests as a justifiable expense.

Tallahassee, you guys got to be on crack.

Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police

Never fear! The Tallahassee Toilet Paper Police Squad is here!

In a state where population growth in South Florida is diminishing due to taxes, crimes, shootings, reduced law enforcement and justice budgets our Florida legislators still manage to remain focused on the more critical issues such as trying to pass laws making toilet paper rolls a requirement in public bathrooms.

Never mind that sanitation guidelines strictly require this, it was not enough for Senator Victor Crista (Republican from Tampa) who had a life changing experience in a restaurant bathroom stall with an empty roll and no soap. Representative Betty Reed (Democrat from Tampa) agreed with him in her unfortunate experience not realizing the roll was empty until it was TOO LATE. Dear God.

Despite their touching stories of personalized trauma, HB 437 went into the shredder. Can you imagine if it hadn't? What would happen to special interest groups as a result? But don't worry lobbyists, your jobs still look secure.

Feel free to send your donated containers of Wet Ones to Betty and Victor, who by now are no doubt working hard on legislation to require bidets in the state capitol.