Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Piranha & Ponzi Alert

Here we go again, growing yet another dangerous species. You're probably thinking attorneys, politicans, elected officials, but no... although certainly one could easily draw comparisons.

This as Palm Beach proudly presents it's very own piranha lake of horrors, up in Palm Springs, where two or three red bellied sharp toothed piranhas were recently reeled in. Wildlife officials who are up to their necks with pythons and gators dumped a nuke sized amount of poison into a pond trying to wipe out the fanged little critters. Given their success rate with other reptiles and amphibians we all may want to avoid wiggling toes and jiggly parts in lakes for the next few months...along with avoiding shark toothed attorneys selling Ponzi schemes while buying politician dreams.

So who do you think is busier these days...Wildlife authorities or the FBI?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Don't Pet the Alligator

If you live in Florida, you may want to think twice about even walking out to your car. And no, it has nothing to do with having more AKs than palm trees. Because what do we have more of than even AKs...that's right! So here comes another gator horror story.
This poor dude reached under his car thinking he was going to get his dog, only to find a five foot gator instead. Happened in Land O Lakes, which is somewhere up in central Florida. Took 34 stitches to close up the damage and a lot of bandages.
Something to ponder the next time you walk around the yard calling for Fido should you reside in the land of swamptillia...because Fido may have grown some really big scales.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Fantasy Fest in Key West

Key's Fantasy Fest down Duval Street partied on with drag queens, Jackie O's, vampires, and carnival dancers. Check out this link for more pictures of the annual Halloween parade which just seems to get freakier each Halloween.
The best part is that no hurricane warnings spoiled anyone's fun.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Friday, October 02, 2009

Iguanas Eating our Kids?

It's finally happened, with the zillions of green lizards invading our backyards, our roads, trees...now they are trying to devour our young. This poor kid now needs tendon surgery on her foot when one hungry six foot iguana mistook her for a strawberry.

He grabbed hold of her foot, resulting in 23 stitches and future surgery plans. For anyone who hasn't been bitten by an iguana you don't want to be. It really takes a good amount of prying to get those jaws off and hurts like hell, this from personal experience having had a few pet iguanas in years past.
Time to add do not feed the iguanas to our do not feed the alligators signs?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Bringing Hudson Home

Who would have thought that a cream and pink chihuahua with pink ear studs is no longer safe in Wilton Manors? At Georgie's Alibi no less where pink reigns king, or should I say queen?

It's been a few weeks now since Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dognapped by a Britney Spears tattooed perv at a birthday bash. Owner Brian Dortort let someone hold his precious little miss for a moment, and ya know what they say...all it takes is a few minutes.

Now, poof! Hudson is on a milk carton so to speak, considering the Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, Miami Herald are running stories on the missing cutie pie. So if you happen to see little Hudson, help bring her home to daddy. Supposedly there is an arrest warrant waiting to be served on this Britney beeotch who belongs in prison, where all his uniform fantasies should come to life.

As for me, I am grateful for the porky brown chihuahua I have...he would be most difficult indeed to stuff into any purse & run. But we take no chances, even if Mr. Rhinestone Cowboy wants to show off his blinged black velvet collar, he will not be visiting in Wilton Manors anytime soon.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Green Mambas & Mambos

Let's welcome the latest exotic species to invade our South Flo lands...that would be none other than the venomous green mamba snake, the snake with a bite that can kill even faster a case of road rage. Today in Hollywood a cable worker was bitten by a green tree snake with a yellow belly (not to be confused with the similar emerald green tree boas) when he leaned against a coconut palm. He didn't die but came a little close so now the hunt is on for green mambas. Imagine if they cross breed with the golden pythons, what a movie that would make as we all run for the Georgia line.
But if you are, as I am, more concerned about your lack of mambo expertise than you are about mambas falling out of trees try the Mambo con Cache dance school.
Better to get your Sou Flo priorities right... you can always duck the mambas, but it's a lot harder to fake the mambo.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Cone of Death

Here we go again, the cone of uncertain death pointed at South Florida, with two tropical systems causing normal...well relatively so....Floridians to run over old ladies in Publix to get drinking water, & fight to the death to get a tank of gas. But for those of us who dare not to fear here are some basic provisions to get through a hurricane....my very own personal hurricane list:

**Buy a Generator, any generator will do, * a bottle of Light Rum & Fresh Limes & mint *Wine coolers *cat food *dog food *parrot food *toilet paper* South Beach Diet Bars & dinners * the latest DVDs. When your husband comes home with twenty bags of chips and bagels do not let him enter until he eats them all. Make sure you stock up on valium for the dog unless he prefers the rum. Throw out the cans of tuna, no one will eat it , use the five hundred candles & batteries still sitting from last year along with the tons of bottled water never touched.

Then, this is the most important survival tip, make pitcher after pitcher of fresh Mojitos, the Cuban Mojito is the best, freezing them into as many ice cubes as the freezer can hold...you get the idea. Usual dose is to melt two in your mouth as needed.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Crocosaurus Dies

Miami's Jungle Island is grieving for the loss of it's forty-seven year old, 2,000 pound crocodile otherwise known as Hank. Sad to say, this son of an Asian & Saltwater crocodile was found at the bottom of his tank Saturday, well on his way to croco heaven where he gets to eat all the chickens he wants.

Hank didn't have many friends over the years, believed to be the largest of his kind in the world, because who wants to swim with a twenty foot crocodile, but he had one, a turtle named Frank who feared him not & will miss him.
Not to worry, the way South Florida breeds reptiles, there will soon be another Hank coming up the ranks.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Kitty Porn

And yet again another reason we in South Florida can point out with pride that while we may have more than our share of pythons, guns, & foreclosures we are still way south of the Orlando & our more rural neighbors, (and if we could somehow move even more south we would, including breaking off & floating over to Cuba.)

Case in point...a Martin county Jensen Beach man recently arrested for downloading kiddie porn on his computer insists he is innocent. The perv is not him, but his sicko cat who keeps hitting the keyboard, entering child porn sites where this feline freak then continues to download away. Maybe confusing kitty porn with kiddie porn, an understandable mistake, while checking out hot new calico tail pics?

Martin county also just recently was recognized for having the highest underage drinking rate in all of Florida. So beware all you young beer guzzlers, and let this story be a lesson to you....before you too turn into a grown man trying to get your cat to take a felony rap for downloading kittie porn.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Gator Hunting Class

Swear to God, check out the video for lots of helpful tips like make sure you count your fingers and toes after an alligator encounter, or at the very least wash your hands. Hunters can only take down 2 gators a season, and no guns only bang sticks are allowed.

Alligator hunting season starts August 15th up to Nov. 1st, the Fish & Wildlife Commission requires a 3 hour training class prior to getting your license to get lost in the swamp. So before you start to plan your matching belt & shoes outfit or brush up on your grandmother's favorite fried gator recipe don't forget to sign up for class!
And here you thought Florida's educational system had nothing to offer.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Saving Mr. Clucky

Let's all do our part today and help save the famous local activist Mr. Clucky, a victim of heartless South Beach laws demanding he go back to where he came from. This, from a geographic area that has no problem housing sex offenders under the Julia Tuttle Causeway, and accepts any immigrant that can float their way over to dry land. Do your part by clicking on the link to vote for Mr. Clucky, often seen riding on the handlebars of his owner's bike through Lincoln Road Mall. Do not let the Miami Beach City Commission exile Mr. Clucky to Hialeah!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Save Florida, Eat An Iguana

Florida seems to have more than its share of slither-ing, crawling residents.
If they're not strangling us then they're eating the local flora, especially hibiscuses.

So for those of you that can hardly wait to get even with them for destroying your landscaped backyards, check out this cook book on how to fry, stew, and even barbecue that iguana running up the palm tree....we are talking about this Iguana Cookbook, sure to become a treasured family recipe book.

And for iguana hunting tips, check out the video (turn off music box at bottom of page first)...my favorite part is where he throws his trophy prize in the ice box, right next to his drink...yum.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Shark Cruises Miami Streets

The good news is that it "wasn't a body" discovered last night on the streets of Miami as one relieved observer first said, given all the recent shootings in Overtown.

Nope, it was a six foot nurse shark left after two men first took him to Garcia's fish market on a bike no less, and then for a last ride on a Metromover train in downtown Miami Tuesday night. Why take a shark out for a night on the town you might ask...well they had high hopes of selling the shark meat to local fisheries at a bargain price of only only ten bucks, reasonable considering it was covered in flies. Alas, no one wanted their reeking fly covered catch of the evening.

Police are now looking for the two idiots that dragged a shark around Miami streets so they can be charged with improper killing, disposal of an animal and trying to sell a shark without a license. As for the shark, local wildlife folks just threw the body back into the ocean... A true tale from HavanaBananaLand. (turn off music box at bottom to listen to video).

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


In case you haven't heard South Florida is deputizing Python Posses to start taking out the golden giants of the Everglades.

Fearing that pythons might find their way to Tallahassee has Florida lawmakers in a tizzy, with options ranging from wild shoot outs to cook outs down here in the swamps. Cook out seems more likely as park rangers voice concerns over the number of armed crazies running around in the glades, & want take all the fun out of it by coming up with squads of trained python assassins. Party Poopers. Senator Bill Nelson's office voiced concerned that "Bounty hunting conjures up an image of `Come one, come all' and go out and start shooting around like Dick Cheney for $50 a head." Amazing how even pythons will bring out the partisan.
Nevertheless, Central Florida has Gatorland so why not a Miami Pythonville to boost local economy. Visions of snake sushi with a cold glass of pythonquila complete with tail down on South Beach are just the beginning...think of all the barbecue shacks in Homestead! Everyone has ideas.
Even Governor Crist has miraculously come out (well not completely out if that's what you were thinking) & voiced his concern that "we need to do something".
That should call for no less than a python shrine.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Florida Tourists Come First

Where oh where have the international tourists gone? Florida tourism officials are losing millions and as a result a few thousand jobs from loss of these unicorn visitors.

International visitors stay longer, spend more moula at places like Sawgrass Mall, even if we residents just laugh ourselves sick at anyone wanting to go there when they don't have to. So congress is working on launching an ad campaign called the Travel Promotion Act to attract tourists.

But Senator Bill Nelsen is not taking any chances. Citing concerns that visitors might actually be
gobbled up by giant pythons on an Everglades tour, he is pushing through a bill to ban imports of the snakes. This after a two year old child in Central Florida was recently asphyxiated by a pet python that had escaped it's cage.
Please...never mind saving the tourists, let's save the poor kids stuck in homes where the parents are so brain dead that they believe pythons and pit bulls are just the cutest things. Florida doesn't just have a python invasion, it has an invasion of some of the dumbest parents to be found anywhere. What would it take to launch a bill that has more to do with protecting kiddies and less with protecting our tourist industry?
Probably nothing less than the child of a tourist being swallowed whole in the Everglades...cha ching cha ching.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Florida the Pain Clinic State

Time to replace the mockingbird and orange blossoms. Forget the sunshine, assault weapons and mortgage fraud market! South Florida ingenuity is giving tourism a real boost, drawing regular visitors from Kentucky, Ohio, West Virginia, and Tennessee.

Broward county is now gaining a new notoriety, that of numero uno when it comes to pain clinics. Word is out, if you want to get your hands on oxycodone or percocet all you need to do is cross that Tallahassee line. It's like Disneyworld for pharmaceutical drug addicts with 100 pain clinics in the Ft. Lauderdale area alone.
Of course some of the kinks have to be worked out. Liked the problem with a thousand deaths in South Florida from prescription overdoses in 2008 alone.
Florida just passed a law creating a statewide database to monitor prescription sales in these clinics and prevent doctor shopping. Only problem is although the law takes effect Wednesday, it will be next year before the database is operational.
So for right now Florida will continue to lead the nation in oxycodone sales...and deaths.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Black Bears & Snakes With Two Feet

At least the young bear had taste, he just couldn't make up his mind...was it going to be Weston, an exclusive West Broward suburb, or Wellington, more or less the same thing in Palm Beach county. Had he checked 2008 property taxes in either city he would have run for his life. Notice he has some idea of home values because he didn't go near Sunrise or Coral Springs.

But it wasn't going to be his choice anyway. Weston wasted little time in moving out the black bear, and it looks like Wellington didn't waste a minute either. Wildlife officials although they are quick to point out that black bear attacks in Florida are unheard of, have once again relocated the young male to northern Florida.

The good news is so far no one has been eaten by bears, gators or pythons in South Florida recently. But the bad news is that Florida has a real problem with finding elected & appointed state officials with any sense of ethics.

I have it on good authority that the pythons are heading northward, maybe planning on running for governor's office in the next campaign....guess they heard about all the other snakes we seem to have in the state capitol. Snakes with two feet that is. For just what is Tallahassee doing these days aside from continue to increase property taxes while devaluing homes, hike insurance rates, ensure FPL milks every penny it can from Floridians? Answer is simple. They are doing nothing. This while school enrollment and tourism has signficantly dropped, and too many people are packing their bags to relocate to states they can afford to live.

Pythons might prove a welcome relief.

Mr. Bear, you might want to consider heading for the state line until our state capitol does more than just talk the talk about home affordability. We need the jobs that pay the mortgages, and electric bills that don't rival the mortgage payment.

Most importantly we need a state government that actually works.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Bestiality Still Legal in Florida

But not for long, so all you Central Florida & Florabama goat lovers will need to find another hobby. Thanks to the efforts of Senator Nan Rich, the Senate is now agreeing to make it a felony for humans to engage in animal sex. Up until now our sunshine state is one of only 16 states that refused to come between a man and his goat. But giving recent animal cruelty reports involving such sexcapades such as a man in the Panhandle accidently strangling his goat during the "act", later caught trying to abduct yet another poor goat, and a Sarasota woman taping herself doing the wild thing with two dogs, the times they are achanging. Rich’s proposal targets making “sexual gratification” from an animal an illegal act, excluding animal-husbandry practices.

The bill passed its hurdle with the Senate despite some concerned voiced by Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.“People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she asked. Someone explained that husbandry was the rearing and caring of animals but she still didn't quite get it questioning further, "So that maybe could have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?", referring to the crazed chimpanzee who ate the poor woman in N.Y.

Nevertheless, despite having a senator here and there that is dumber than the goats the bill will protect, it is expected to pass, and domestic animals everywhere in Florida will be able to turn to their demented human lovers and insist Baaa really does mean no.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Python Wrestling

Just what Florida needs to bring back tourists to Ft. Lauderdale...the sport of python wrestling. Coming soon on Pay Per View we now have twenty foot pythons weighing in at over 250 pounds as they battle wildlife biologists.
Florida is now training wildlife officials in the fine art of snake wrestling since those megasnakes seem determined to make their way down the into the Keys, no doubt heading for a cold beer at Sloppy Joes.

Apparently a lot of python owners let their cute little wigglies loose once they got big enough to devour the family dog, and now they are growing in numbers so high it's considered an invasion. Kind of like the mortgage brokers that infiltrated South Florida two years ago.

And although pythons are known to prefer wild Key deer, we'll be taking no chances here in Weston...from now on the chubby chihuahua will be taking his leisurely strolls in the backyard only with a body guard.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Don't Need No Driver's License in Florida!

Problems with your driver's license? No problema, pack your bag, give me a call & I'll sell you one of our bargain basement South Florida condos. Suspended license, revoked license, no license...Florida wants to be your new home!
According to the Sun Sentinel, Florida seems to have a large number of unlicensed drivers! No shit! Seems although the sunshine state suspended or revoked over 2 million licenses, a 30% increase last year alone, the laws are so weak that instead of drivers being charged with a felony for repeated suspensions, it's only a misdemeanor. Although there is talk legislators will try (well, they say they will) to come up with new strategies such as impounding cars, nothing much seems to be stemming the tide of unlicensed South Florida drivers. Let's not forget the heir from Chicago already on probation for running someone over two years ago, whose porsche (without him even driving it!), somehow ran over two British tourists in Ft. Lauderdale last week. He sure knew where to relocate.
So if you've run into traffic law snafus, or actually run over your grandmother after you chugged back a few too many brews, start practicing your Spanish (or your Creole, Patwa, or your Korean, don't worry so much about needing English) because we could well be your new hometown. South Florida also has the honor of being voted the road rage capital of the United States, for those of you with unresolved anger management issues. Hey there new neighbor!
We hope you like sun, guns, hurricanes, foreclosures, and limited job availability. Ciao for now.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Sweet Home Hialeah

Hialeah has recently been put on Forbes ten most boring cities list. How this could be I cannot imagine because Hialeah is anything but boring.
It's a city that grew from a cockaroach infested agricultural flatland surrounded by brown canals into a cracked up kaleidoscope of Cuban culture. Gone are the beige and white Miami box homes, replaced by hot tropical pink concrete stuccoed palaces surrounded by iron grilled gates with statues of the Virgin Mary on every corner, or maybe St. Barbara for all I know. But hey, not just anyone could dream up what one could do with a house architecturally without ever pulling a single permit, so give Hialeaheans credit. Of course, it helps that Code Enforcement in Hialeah could always be bought for less than a bottle of good rum, but it still comes down to good old creative Cuban ingenuity and cohones.
Hialeah is not a rich city, it's a raw, fugly city where the smell of areapas & strong cuban coffee permeates every tiny strip mall, music and horns blare everywhere, and a town where you can drive as if you had never left Havana. Grab lunch from a street vendor without ever leaving your car, or even having to stop your car.

Boring? Go visit & judge for yourself.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Miami Still Ranks!

No, I don't mean it in any negative sense, that would be too easy. But for those of us living here it's nice to know that somewhere, someone would love to trade places! We may have hurricanes and our uzis but at least we are not up to our elbows in snow and most of us have never owned a pair of snow boots. Foot protection is a pair of flip flops, and anything past sleeveless is considered winter clothing.
A recent Pew Research Center survey reports that 28 percent of Americans would like to live here in Miami, beating out New York (a crappy 24%) and Las Vegas (23%)! Wow so Miami somehow ranked in the top half of the 30-city survey although Tampa and Orlando beat it out. Can't imagine why...Tampa has more drugs & crime than South Florida (although the city of Hollywood is trying real hard these days to move into first place) & Orlando is king of homicide deaths, but they do have Mickey so maybe that's it.
Still there's a lot to be said for Miami...sun, South Beach, beaches, Coral Gables, palm trees, the Grove, Little Havana, great people, some the most beautiful homes in the world not to mention zillions of foreclosures to pick from, but most importantly...the best damn Cuban food on the planet, especially Don Arturos, my all time fav. But be forewarned, there will be an artic moment coming day after tomorrow when the temps drop to a frost. Don't forget to turn off the a/c.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Sharks & Nudes Threaten South Florida Beaches

Locals are in a fluff over a nude beach advocate asking Broward officials to oppose any legislation that would oppose nude beaches. Citing the international visitors that prefer to doff their dudds, the theory is it's good for tourism. Supposedly Haulover Beach makes 400 to 800 million a year thanks to those naked butts. Yeah, I'm sure male heads are nodding in agreement with that economic philosophy as they head out with their digital cameras to Haulover this weekend. Vote if you like, nude or not nude.

Keeping right in line with concerns over tourists' fannies would be the deluge of spinner sharks spotted migrating around Singer Island, forcing beaches to
close there, as well as in Palm Beach.

So nudists if you plan on visiting these Florida shores you would be wise not only to keep an eye out for the sharks in the water, but also for the ones that you just might trip over walking down the beach.