Shark Cruises Miami Streets

The good news is that it "wasn't a body" discovered last night on the streets of Miami as one relieved observer first said, given all the recent shootings in Overtown.

Nope, it was a six foot nurse shark left after two men first took him to Garcia's fish market on a bike no less, and then for a last ride on a Metromover train in downtown Miami Tuesday night. Why take a shark out for a night on the town you might ask...well they had high hopes of selling the shark meat to local fisheries at a bargain price of only only ten bucks, reasonable considering it was covered in flies. Alas, no one wanted their reeking fly covered catch of the evening.

Police are now looking for the two idiots that dragged a shark around Miami streets so they can be charged with improper killing, disposal of an animal and trying to sell a shark without a license. As for the shark, local wildlife folks just threw the body back into the ocean... A true tale from HavanaBananaLand. (turn off music box at bottom to listen to video).

Pythonritasville

In case you haven't heard South Florida is deputizing Python Posses to start taking out the golden giants of the Everglades.

Fearing that pythons might find their way to Tallahassee has Florida lawmakers in a tizzy, with options ranging from wild shoot outs to cook outs down here in the swamps. Cook out seems more likely as park rangers voice concerns over the number of armed crazies running around in the glades, & want take all the fun out of it by coming up with squads of trained python assassins. Party Poopers. Senator Bill Nelson's office voiced concerned that "Bounty hunting conjures up an image of `Come one, come all' and go out and start shooting around like Dick Cheney for $50 a head." Amazing how even pythons will bring out the partisan.

Nevertheless, Central Florida has Gatorland so why not a Miami Pythonville to boost local economy. Visions of snake sushi with a cold glass of pythonquila complete with tail down on South Beach are just the beginning...think of all the barbecue shacks in Homestead! Everyone has ideas.

Even Governor Crist has miraculously come out (well not completely out if that's what you were thinking) & voiced his concern that "we need to do something".

That should call for no less than a python shrine.

Florida Tourists Come First

Where oh where have the international tourists gone? Florida tourism officials are losing millions and as a result a few thousand jobs from loss of these unicorn visitors.

International visitors stay longer, spend more moula at places like Sawgrass Mall, even if we residents just laugh ourselves sick at anyone wanting to go there when they don't have to. So congress is working on launching an ad campaign called the Travel Promotion Act to attract tourists.

But Senator Bill Nelsen is not taking any chances. Citing concerns that visitors might actually be gobbled up by giant pythons on an Everglades tour, he is pushing through a bill to ban imports of the snakes. This after a two year old child in Central Florida was recently asphyxiated by a pet python that had escaped it's cage.

Please...never mind saving the tourists, let's save the poor kids stuck in homes where the parents are so brain dead that they believe pythons and pit bulls are just the cutest things. Florida doesn't just have a python invasion, it has an invasion of some of the dumbest parents to be found anywhere. What would it take to launch a bill that has more to do with protecting kiddies and less with protecting our tourist industry?

Probably nothing less than the child of a tourist being swallowed whole in the Everglades...cha ching cha ching.

Florida the Pain Clinic State

Time to replace the mockingbird and orange blossoms. Forget the sunshine, assault weapons and mortgage fraud market! South Florida ingenuity is giving tourism a real boost, drawing regular visitors from Kentucky, Ohio, West Virginia, and Tennessee.

Broward county is now gaining a new notoriety, that of numero uno when it comes to pain clinics. Word is out, if you want to get your hands on oxycodone or percocet all you need to do is cross that Tallahassee line. It's like Disneyworld for pharmaceutical drug addicts with 100 pain clinics in the Ft. Lauderdale area alone.

Of course some of the kinks have to be worked out. Liked the problem with a thousand deaths in South Florida from prescription overdoses in 2008 alone.

Florida just passed a law creating a statewide database to monitor prescription sales in these clinics and prevent doctor shopping. Only problem is although the law takes effect Wednesday, it will be next year before the database is operational.

So for right now Florida will continue to lead the nation in oxycodone sales...and deaths.

Black Bears & Snakes With Two Feet

At least the young bear had taste, he just couldn't make up his mind...was it going to be Weston, an exclusive West Broward suburb, or Wellington, more or less the same thing in Palm Beach county. Had he checked 2008 property taxes in either city he would have run for his life. Notice he has some idea of home values because he didn't go near Sunrise or Coral Springs.

But it wasn't going to be his choice anyway. Weston wasted little time in moving out the black bear, and it looks like Wellington didn't waste a minute either. Wildlife officials although they are quick to point out that black bear attacks in Florida are unheard of, have once again relocated the young male to northern Florida.

The good news is so far no one has been eaten by bears, gators or pythons in South Florida recently. But the bad news is that Florida has a real problem with finding elected & appointed state officials with any sense of ethics.

I have it on good authority that the pythons are heading northward, maybe planning on running for governor's office in the next campaign....guess they heard about all the other snakes we seem to have in the state capitol. Snakes with two feet that is. For just what is Tallahassee doing these days aside from continue to increase property taxes while devaluing homes, hike insurance rates, ensure FPL milks every penny it can from Floridians? Answer is simple. They are doing nothing. This while school enrollment and tourism has signficantly dropped, and too many people are packing their bags to relocate to states they can afford to live.

Pythons might prove a welcome relief.

Mr. Bear, you might want to consider heading for the state line until our state capitol does more than just talk the talk about home affordability. We need the jobs that pay the mortgages, and electric bills that don't rival the mortgage payment.

Most importantly we need a state government that actually works.

Bestiality Still Legal in Florida

But not for long, so all you Central Florida & Florabama goat lovers will need to find another hobby. Thanks to the efforts of Senator Nan Rich, the Senate is now agreeing to make it a felony for humans to engage in animal sex. Up until now our sunshine state is one of only 16 states that refused to come between a man and his goat. But giving recent animal cruelty reports involving such sexcapades such as a man in the Panhandle accidently strangling his goat during the "act", later caught trying to abduct yet another poor goat, and a Sarasota woman taping herself doing the wild thing with two dogs, the times they are achanging. Rich’s proposal targets making “sexual gratification” from an animal an illegal act, excluding animal-husbandry practices.

The bill passed its hurdle with the Senate despite some concerned voiced by Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.“People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she asked. Someone explained that husbandry was the rearing and caring of animals but she still didn't quite get it questioning further, "So that maybe could have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?", referring to the crazed chimpanzee who ate the poor woman in N.Y.

Nevertheless, despite having a senator here and there that is dumber than the goats the bill will protect, it is expected to pass, and domestic animals everywhere in Florida will be able to turn to their demented human lovers and insist Baaa really does mean no.

Python Wrestling

Just what Florida needs to bring back tourists to Ft. Lauderdale...the sport of python wrestling. Coming soon on Pay Per View we now have twenty foot pythons weighing in at over 250 pounds as they battle wildlife biologists.
Florida is now training wildlife officials in the fine art of snake wrestling since those megasnakes seem determined to make their way down the into the Keys, no doubt heading for a cold beer at Sloppy Joes.

Apparently a lot of python owners let their cute little wigglies loose once they got big enough to devour the family dog, and now they are growing in numbers so high it's considered an invasion. Kind of like the mortgage brokers that infiltrated South Florida two years ago.

And although pythons are known to prefer wild Key deer, we'll be taking no chances here in Weston...from now on the chubby chihuahua will be taking his leisurely strolls in the backyard only with a body guard.