Saving Florida's Manatees One Keg At a Time

Calling all beer bellied abled men in Miami who know how to shake their wicked booties. The Florida Marlins could be looking for you to join their cheerleading squad, the Manatees. The team is looking for ten BIG guys to join ranks, recently holding try outs this past weekend. Oversized guts aside fellas, ya need to be able to tell your left foot from your right, at least to follow a simple dance routine.

Could this be you? Praise Jesus' holy name, finally those naucho nights at Hooters and midnight raids on the Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey may be paying off!

Rumor has it the new team will be paid their weight in kegs of ale, double cheeseburgers, and cheesy fries. Those of you working on your six pack (not the six pack you cart out of the cooler section), or limiting fat grams to 50 a day need not apply.

Only the truly chunky will join ranks of this elite sea cow cheerleading squad as they jump, dance, and roll around during Friday and Saturday Marlin games. Who knows, they might provide more excitement than the Marlins have managed to bring to the game...

Oh Give Me a Home Where Neanderthals Don't Roam

Oh Joy! Florida is moving into a new age as evidenced by the mere mention of evolution being taught in the public school curriculum. How long did it take our department of education to think about this before deciding to mention it to students is a little frightening. I hope they are not holding back on anything else.

Of course the subject itself can only be referred to as the theory of evolution, as a compromise to the bible whacking crowd who are having a fit over it being mentioned at all. It just goes to prove that some of us have evolved...and some have not. Still some are evolving backwards in case anyone has recently visited Floribama. Maybe evolution just hasn't quite caught on in certain parts of the deep South, or perhaps some individuals show a unique resistance to moving forward. It is enough to make one lose sleep, perhaps even entertain thoughts of relocating to Canada.

I've done some careful research, and after much thought, selected the following video which supports Darwinists everywhere...

A Night of Flamingo Voyeurism

Who would have ever thought that Flamingoes like to perform in sex shows, or frogs prefer three-ways, and that size does matter in the world of whales.

Happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Miami Metrozoo's annual Sex and the Animals event. This pre-Valentine's Day lecture is wildly popular, attracting more than 400 people to hear the sleezy tiger porn details.

Amidst mood music from Marvin Gaye and Elton John, glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the warm glow of tiki torches under the romantic half moon, the audience is stirred to blush at the images of crazy tiger and panda sex capades. All up close and personal like on a large projection screen in the zoo's outdoor amphitheater so you don't miss a single erotic moment. There are dozens of animal sex shots in kama sutra positions you might not have thought possible, not to mention titillating pieces of information you really didn't want to know.

For instance, were you even aware that since female pandas have only a three day window in which they can conceive, something zookeepers try to make the most of by helping the pandas to get into the groove by showing them panda porn flicks? I didn't think so.

I would imagine you had no idea that the regal member of a blue whale is an impressive 10 feet. You can bet he doesn't need to go around asking if his jack robinson is big enough for you girl?!!

Of course it is all for a good cause, benefiting the Zoological Society of Florida, offered several times a year. So for a unique Valentine's Day gift your significant other will not soon forget, or anytime you can make a reservation, make your way down (no pun intended) for a night of animal porn at Metrozoo.

Guns Don't Kill; Gun Owners Do

It would be so nice if just a day would go by without another senseless shooting. But those are days are becoming rare now, as guns are found in schools, in stores, in homes and everywhere but where they should be...under lock and key.

It doesn't take but a moment of anger and impulse to draw a weapon, that despite all the claims "guns don't kill", sure manages to extinguish that life spark in under a minute. Something Jerome Jackson found out the hard way. He had been arguing with his Lauderdale Lake's neighbor last week over the length of the lawn, when instead of a yelling match or fistfight, a gun settled the score. Jerome is now dead and his neighbor charged with homicide after pulling out his trusty gun from his waistband to settle a dispute that is becoming almost commonplace in Florida. I am starting to see the light behind the guns don't kill mantra.

It's the idiot gun owners that do. Eureka!

You would think with all the senseless gun violence escalating in South Florida our legislators would do everything in their power to control the spread of this gun epidemic. But not Florida's Senator Mel Martinez. No, he along with a good many other senators are doing their best to push through a bill allowing firearms to be carried in our national parks. I did write him to question why and his response was that "inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome, and unnecessary." Which of course explains everything.

Because just imagine if a burdensome regulation had somehow limited Jerome Jackson's crazy neighbor from ever owning a gun....he might actually be alive today.

But the legislative attitude seems to be more along the lines of heaven forbid we burden a gun owner.

It makes one wonder if the money from gun lobby groups now dropping into the laps of greedy, irresponsible legislators will ever dry up...and when the people being so mercilessly gunned down by the the people holding the guns will stand up for their rights.

Enough already, enough.

An Everglades Sunset

For some the last stop is a hospital room, a hospice bed, a bloodied car wreckage. But if you had a chance to end it your way, exactly what way would that be?

For one man his last moment on earth was deep inside the desolate mystery of the excruciating isolated yet beautiful Everglades National Park in Flamingo Park. Exactly where no one knows for the only thing they found of Brian Renton was a suicide note to his family, his truck, a canoe, and an empty gun case (well, this is Florida). Dying of stomach cancer and without insurance he bid a farewell to those he loved and returned to the wild loneliness of Flamingo where he trudged through the mangroves of Whitewater Bay to take his last breath.

Flamingo is the park where no matter where you drive each mangrove finger looks pretty much like the one before. Where the key deer roam free through the sawgrass and the python swallows the alligator, and the only thing bigger would be the mosquitoes.

Where the incredibly stunning sunset at the end of the day promises that quiet infinity hungry souls long for....