All I Want For Christmas is a Blow Job?

Talk about not getting what you wanted most for Christmas.

At the top of this dude's list was a little oral action but it looks like Santa wasn't in the mood to deliver. Instead this bad boy ended up with a sharp pair of fangs at the end of his favorite banana. No telling how many stitches to put Humpty back together again.

Men cruising Deltona area bars may want to give some serious consideration to committing the mug shot in the article to memory.

Least we forget this is the season, here's an inspirational thought... Those of us not living north of the Palm Beach line should count our blessings. Alleluia. Alleluia. Alleluia. Amen. Don't forget to read the many truly joyous comments on the link & of course add your own. De nada!

You can see why I simply could not pass this story up. Merry Christmas to you and yours South Florida style.

Noche Buena

For a lot of people Christmas Eve dinner is a standing rib roast or a roast turkey. But this is South Florida and hispanics rule. According to Cuban traditions it is now time for all true Hialeahians to take home the puerco for a traditional Christmas Eve roast.

So plan accordingly, a pig under 100 pounds will cost you $1.20 a pound, larger than that is $1.10 a pound plus the hitman fee. Oh you can get a frozen one but there's nothing like going down to the Cabrera slaughterhouse and have them bag the pig of your choice. After that it's up to you...either roast in a pit or use a Caja China to roast it.

So gather the family, bring out the Bacardi & get blasted just enough to forget that Florida is about the last place on the planet most of us want to be right now. I hear Obama is going to be loosening up regulations on visiting Havana. That or I may have to invest in a good pair of flippers. Felice Navidad y'all.

Florida Foreclosure Zoo

Who do we thank for all the homes with boarded windows with their lockboxes, sitting among the growing weeds?

Would it be the banks, loan consultants, mortgage brokers who handed out money to fools without verifying income...the property appraisers assigning home values without a thought to ethics or basic common sense? The realtors promising buyers their properties would only increase in value just so they could make a commission? Maybe it was the buyers themselves, taking out lines of equity they had no business taking out but then you could always argue well who gave it to them.

Looks like too many people were involved to have had it go on unnoticed. So what were Florida's finest elected officials and state regulators doing when this was going down?

Just someone please tell me why they did nothing to stop the fraud.

Marijuanaville

Looking for ways to boost your own personal economic depression? You may have to look no further than your own backyard...garage...bathroom. Yes sir just take those seeds of doubt and let them sprout into your very own cannabis garden of delight South Florida style! This is the perfect climate to grow that special variety of Mean Miami Green, and no better time than these humid summer, fall, winter, spring months. Year round opportunities.

No need to wait it out for Sarah Palin to grow a brain, nor wait for the Congress or House to save Main Street. Why hell, you could own Main street if your crop of green does well, as a good number of Florida developers have found to be evidently so over the years. But you never know, so just a caution should you decide to play Farmer Bob... be advised that the family who grows pot together just might end up in court together.

Still, think of the bonding....why even little ole Abuela can lend a helping hand with the watering can.

Iguanas Rule

What is it with all the iguana haters down here? It's not like the thorny green lizards are going after our live young for god's sake. If anything should be on the animal hit list it should be the cucarachas (and don't tell me they're just bugs, they're the size of mice down here.)

But no, our official city idiots are now putting iguana worries way ahead of our disappearing population & tourists, the high cost of living, mortgage & rental fraud skyrocketing, not to mention increased crime due to gun violence.

Don't you think that instead of coming up with iguana rules, we should turn our lemons into lemonade? Why not make the best of it by sending our green skinned friends upstate to replace the rather reptilian guard in Tallahassee? We could pay them in flowers instead of our dollars...why think of all the money lobby groups could be saving.

Yes, I do believe, those are the real reptiles we need to be concerned with ousting.

Gator Big Mac

Looking for ways to trim your grocery bill while making sure you get enough protein in these lean economical times? Folks in Florida just need to take out the boats and head west for U.S. 27 where there are more gators than mosquitos.

High in protein & ever so abundant in their growing numbers, gators are being added to the deli counter right next to the boarshead. I can see it now, Gator Picadillo, Gator Meatballs, Fresh Gator Tail Salad....after all, it's only fair we start eating them for a change. Heavens knows they've been feeding off us for years.

Check out this eerie article on unidentified bodies dumped in West Broward & Palm Beach Canals going back to the 1970s...and these are the ones they've found (more or less). No wonder gators aren't afraid of humans anymore, we've been their gourmet delights for a long, long time.

Time to change the game rules?

Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:

Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons

Water....ice....a few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?

Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.

And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.

Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.