Black Bears & Snakes With Two Feet

At least the young bear had taste, he just couldn't make up his mind...was it going to be Weston, an exclusive West Broward suburb, or Wellington, more or less the same thing in Palm Beach county. Had he checked 2008 property taxes in either city he would have run for his life. Notice he has some idea of home values because he didn't go near Sunrise or Coral Springs.

But it wasn't going to be his choice anyway. Weston wasted little time in moving out the black bear, and it looks like Wellington didn't waste a minute either. Wildlife officials although they are quick to point out that black bear attacks in Florida are unheard of, have once again relocated the young male to northern Florida.

The good news is so far no one has been eaten by bears, gators or pythons in South Florida recently. But the bad news is that Florida has a real problem with finding elected & appointed state officials with any sense of ethics.

I have it on good authority that the pythons are heading northward, maybe planning on running for governor's office in the next campaign....guess they heard about all the other snakes we seem to have in the state capitol. Snakes with two feet that is. For just what is Tallahassee doing these days aside from continue to increase property taxes while devaluing homes, hike insurance rates, ensure FPL milks every penny it can from Floridians? Answer is simple. They are doing nothing. This while school enrollment and tourism has signficantly dropped, and too many people are packing their bags to relocate to states they can afford to live.

Pythons might prove a welcome relief.

Mr. Bear, you might want to consider heading for the state line until our state capitol does more than just talk the talk about home affordability. We need the jobs that pay the mortgages, and electric bills that don't rival the mortgage payment.

Most importantly we need a state government that actually works.

Bestiality Still Legal in Florida

But not for long, so all you Central Florida & Florabama goat lovers will need to find another hobby. Thanks to the efforts of Senator Nan Rich, the Senate is now agreeing to make it a felony for humans to engage in animal sex. Up until now our sunshine state is one of only 16 states that refused to come between a man and his goat. But giving recent animal cruelty reports involving such sexcapades such as a man in the Panhandle accidently strangling his goat during the "act", later caught trying to abduct yet another poor goat, and a Sarasota woman taping herself doing the wild thing with two dogs, the times they are achanging. Rich’s proposal targets making “sexual gratification” from an animal an illegal act, excluding animal-husbandry practices.

The bill passed its hurdle with the Senate despite some concerned voiced by Miami Democratic Sen. Larcenia Bullard.“People are taking these animals as their husbands? What’s husbandry?” she asked. Someone explained that husbandry was the rearing and caring of animals but she still didn't quite get it questioning further, "So that maybe could have been the reason the lady was so upset about that monkey?", referring to the crazed chimpanzee who ate the poor woman in N.Y.

Nevertheless, despite having a senator here and there that is dumber than the goats the bill will protect, it is expected to pass, and domestic animals everywhere in Florida will be able to turn to their demented human lovers and insist Baaa really does mean no.

Python Wrestling

Just what Florida needs to bring back tourists to Ft. Lauderdale...the sport of python wrestling. Coming soon on Pay Per View we now have twenty foot pythons weighing in at over 250 pounds as they battle wildlife biologists.
Florida is now training wildlife officials in the fine art of snake wrestling since those megasnakes seem determined to make their way down the into the Keys, no doubt heading for a cold beer at Sloppy Joes.

Apparently a lot of python owners let their cute little wigglies loose once they got big enough to devour the family dog, and now they are growing in numbers so high it's considered an invasion. Kind of like the mortgage brokers that infiltrated South Florida two years ago.

And although pythons are known to prefer wild Key deer, we'll be taking no chances here in Weston...from now on the chubby chihuahua will be taking his leisurely strolls in the backyard only with a body guard.

Don't Need No Driver's License in Florida!

Problems with your driver's license? No problema, pack your bag, give me a call & I'll sell you one of our bargain basement South Florida condos. Suspended license, revoked license, no license...Florida wants to be your new home!

According to the Sun Sentinel, Florida seems to have a large number of unlicensed drivers! No shit! Seems although the sunshine state suspended or revoked over 2 million licenses, a 30% increase last year alone, the laws are so weak that instead of drivers being charged with a felony for repeated suspensions, it's only a misdemeanor. Although there is talk legislators will try (well, they say they will) to come up with new strategies such as impounding cars, nothing much seems to be stemming the tide of unlicensed South Florida drivers. Let's not forget the heir from Chicago already on probation for running someone over two years ago, whose porsche (without him even driving it!), somehow ran over two British tourists in Ft. Lauderdale last week. He sure knew where to relocate.

So if you've run into traffic law snafus, or actually run over your grandmother after you chugged back a few too many brews, start practicing your Spanish (or your Creole, Patwa, or your Korean, don't worry so much about needing English) because we could well be your new hometown. South Florida also has the honor of being voted the road rage capital of the United States, for those of you with unresolved anger management issues. Hey there new neighbor!

We hope you like sun, guns, hurricanes, foreclosures, and limited job availability. Ciao for now.

Sweet Home Hialeah

Hialeah has recently been put on Forbes ten most boring cities list. How this could be I cannot imagine because Hialeah is anything but boring.

It's a city that grew from a cockaroach infested agricultural flatland surrounded by brown canals into a cracked up kaleidoscope of Cuban culture. Gone are the beige and white Miami box homes, replaced by hot tropical pink concrete stuccoed palaces surrounded by iron grilled gates with statues of the Virgin Mary on every corner, or maybe St. Barbara for all I know. But hey, not just anyone could dream up what one could do with a house architecturally without ever pulling a single permit, so give Hialeaheans credit. Of course, it helps that Code Enforcement in Hialeah could always be bought for less than a bottle of good rum, but it still comes down to good old creative Cuban ingenuity and cohones.

Hialeah is not a rich city, it's a raw, fugly city where the smell of areapas & strong cuban coffee permeates every tiny strip mall, music and horns blare everywhere, and a town where you can drive as if you had never left Havana. Grab lunch from a street vendor without ever leaving your car, or even having to stop your car.

Boring? Go visit & judge for yourself.

Miami Still Ranks!

No, I don't mean it in any negative sense, that would be too easy. But for those of us living here it's nice to know that somewhere, someone would love to trade places! We may have hurricanes and our uzis but at least we are not up to our elbows in snow and most of us have never owned a pair of snow boots. Foot protection is a pair of flip flops, and anything past sleeveless is considered winter clothing.

A recent Pew Research Center survey reports that 28 percent of Americans would like to live here in Miami, beating out New York (a crappy 24%) and Las Vegas (23%)! Wow so Miami somehow ranked in the top half of the 30-city survey although Tampa and Orlando beat it out. Can't imagine why...Tampa has more drugs & crime than South Florida (although the city of Hollywood is trying real hard these days to move into first place) & Orlando is king of homicide deaths, but they do have Mickey so maybe that's it.

Still there's a lot to be said for Miami...sun, South Beach, beaches, Coral Gables, palm trees, the Grove, Little Havana, great people, some the most beautiful homes in the world not to mention zillions of foreclosures to pick from, but most importantly...the best damn Cuban food on the planet, especially Don Arturos, my all time fav. But be forewarned, there will be an artic moment coming day after tomorrow when the temps drop to a frost. Don't forget to turn off the a/c.

Sharks & Nudes Threaten South Florida Beaches

Locals are in a fluff over a nude beach advocate asking Broward officials to oppose any legislation that would oppose nude beaches. Citing the international visitors that prefer to doff their dudds, the theory is it's good for tourism. Supposedly Haulover Beach makes 400 to 800 million a year thanks to those naked butts. Yeah, I'm sure male heads are nodding in agreement with that economic philosophy as they head out with their digital cameras to Haulover this weekend. Vote if you like, nude or not nude.

Keeping right in line with concerns over tourists' fannies would be the deluge of spinner sharks spotted migrating around Singer Island, forcing beaches to
close there, as well as in Palm Beach.



So nudists if you plan on visiting these Florida shores you would be wise not only to keep an eye out for the sharks in the water, but also for the ones that you just might trip over walking down the beach.