Snail Coladas

Adding once again to our favorite South Flo cocktail menu we now have the special family Snail Juice recipe, courtesy of a Hialeah man who uses these illegal 10 inch snails as part of his "El Africano'' or "Oloye Ifatoku" African religion Ifa Orisha, not to be confused with Cuban Santería.

Claiming it can cure a variety of ailments (probably promising male virility no doubt), Mr. Charles Stewart pours snail juice aka snail mucous down the gullets of his patients....so sickening them as to bring it to the attention of the authorities who conducted a snail raid! Turns out he was aided in his snail smuggling efforts by a high priestess who smuggled them in under her dress...a vision possibly more nauseating than the snails themselves....snails that can consume up to 500 species of plants, as well as plaster and stucco.

Authorities are putting out bolos warning South Florida residents to report any sightings of the giant suckers...bet they start to turn up on a few local menus before long.

Florida on Ice

Snow in Orlando with flurries expected in North Palm Beach...Governor declares weather emergency due to freezing temps causing agricultural disaster...frost on the windshields and frozen iguanas falling from trees (don't pick them up & drive them to the wild life shelter because they will recover en route...think Jurassic Park venom spitting Dilophosauruses and you get the idea).

South Floridians are in full panic mode. What do we wear when we can't use flip flops or tank tops? We own maybe three sweaters, some sweathoods and one maybe two leather jackets and that's just for show. Crisis, pure crisis. Here South Beachers spend their entire lives making sure there isn't a single layer of fat to ruin a bathing suit only to find out they could be frozen solid as a result. Just the idea of switching from the a/c to a heat cycle is unnerving especially when you can't remember how to do it.

So God if you're listening please bring back the iced lattes & mojitos, cancer growing sun rays and jungle humidity...just stop torturing us with temps under 70 degrees.

Pythonritasville

In case you haven't heard South Florida is deputizing Python Posses to start taking out the golden giants of the Everglades.

Fearing that pythons might find their way to Tallahassee has Florida lawmakers in a tizzy, with options ranging from wild shoot outs to cook outs down here in the swamps. Cook out seems more likely as park rangers voice concerns over the number of armed crazies running around in the glades, & want take all the fun out of it by coming up with squads of trained python assassins. Party Poopers. Senator Bill Nelson's office voiced concerned that "Bounty hunting conjures up an image of `Come one, come all' and go out and start shooting around like Dick Cheney for $50 a head." Amazing how even pythons will bring out the partisan.

Nevertheless, Central Florida has Gatorland so why not a Miami Pythonville to boost local economy. Visions of snake sushi with a cold glass of pythonquila complete with tail down on South Beach are just the beginning...think of all the barbecue shacks in Homestead! Everyone has ideas.

Even Governor Crist has miraculously come out (well not completely out if that's what you were thinking) & voiced his concern that "we need to do something".

That should call for no less than a python shrine.

Sharks & Nudes Threaten South Florida Beaches

Locals are in a fluff over a nude beach advocate asking Broward officials to oppose any legislation that would oppose nude beaches. Citing the international visitors that prefer to doff their dudds, the theory is it's good for tourism. Supposedly Haulover Beach makes 400 to 800 million a year thanks to those naked butts. Yeah, I'm sure male heads are nodding in agreement with that economic philosophy as they head out with their digital cameras to Haulover this weekend. Vote if you like, nude or not nude.

Keeping right in line with concerns over tourists' fannies would be the deluge of spinner sharks spotted migrating around Singer Island, forcing beaches to
close there, as well as in Palm Beach.



So nudists if you plan on visiting these Florida shores you would be wise not only to keep an eye out for the sharks in the water, but also for the ones that you just might trip over walking down the beach.

Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:

Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons

Water....ice....a few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?

Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.

And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.

Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.

Horny Gator Cruises Streets

It's that time of year again. When the sun and humidity makes the natives a little too hot for their own skin. Humans take to tank tops and flip flops, and gators take to the streets of Ft. Lauderdale looking for a lithe gator mate.

At least that's what one 10 foot gator appeared to be prowling for as he stopped traffic in Tamarac this morning as he cruised along State Road 7 and the Turnpike, all 400 pounds of him. Wildlife trappers removed him to a processing plant due to his large size rather than release him back into the club lands of South Florida.

See valuable safety tips in the Native Danger guide above on things one should remember when it comes to gators....such as not keeping one as a pet and seeking medical help if bitten. Glad they cleared that one up.

Guns Don't Kill; Gun Owners Do

It would be so nice if just a day would go by without another senseless shooting. But those are days are becoming rare now, as guns are found in schools, in stores, in homes and everywhere but where they should be...under lock and key.

It doesn't take but a moment of anger and impulse to draw a weapon, that despite all the claims "guns don't kill", sure manages to extinguish that life spark in under a minute. Something Jerome Jackson found out the hard way. He had been arguing with his Lauderdale Lake's neighbor last week over the length of the lawn, when instead of a yelling match or fistfight, a gun settled the score. Jerome is now dead and his neighbor charged with homicide after pulling out his trusty gun from his waistband to settle a dispute that is becoming almost commonplace in Florida. I am starting to see the light behind the guns don't kill mantra.

It's the idiot gun owners that do. Eureka!

You would think with all the senseless gun violence escalating in South Florida our legislators would do everything in their power to control the spread of this gun epidemic. But not Florida's Senator Mel Martinez. No, he along with a good many other senators are doing their best to push through a bill allowing firearms to be carried in our national parks. I did write him to question why and his response was that "inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome, and unnecessary." Which of course explains everything.

Because just imagine if a burdensome regulation had somehow limited Jerome Jackson's crazy neighbor from ever owning a gun....he might actually be alive today.

But the legislative attitude seems to be more along the lines of heaven forbid we burden a gun owner.

It makes one wonder if the money from gun lobby groups now dropping into the laps of greedy, irresponsible legislators will ever dry up...and when the people being so mercilessly gunned down by the the people holding the guns will stand up for their rights.

Enough already, enough.

Florida's New Dress Code

"No hats, no hoods, no sunglasses or no service" ... at Florida banks.

Florida has another claim to fame this year. Let's hear a drum roll for the number of bank robberies in our sunshine state which has increased 40% in 2007. So the Florida bankers here have decided to prohibit the wearing of sunglasses, caps, and hoods which bank robbers use so often to prevent easy identification.

Anyone who walks in with the dated robber fashionware will promptly be shuffled off to a separate and secured area. Next year just watch, we will be doing our banking business in the buff. Oh Florida, wouldn't it have made a whole lot more sense not to have armed every idiot in the whole state with their choice of assault weapon to begin with?

Now you will have to excuse me, but I think I will start to work on my ab toning just in case they add more clothes to the list.

Death by Mall, South Florida Style

I love my malls...and I have my favorites. I used to love the Mall at Macys in Plantation which was beautiful but went under for reasons never understood (by me). I love the Galleria Mall in east Sunrise but it means putting up with traffic on Sunrise Boulevard. Aventura is a great mall but it's so far for me in North Miami Beach. I never liked the Sawgrass Mall which smells like some kind of bologna and where the tourists run like wild buffalo. Those who know better go to Sawgrass only for what they need and leave as fast as they can. Broward Mall is still there, which is about all you can say about it. Pembroke Mall gets the most crowded award with parking during holidays an absolute horror show. There is a new Mall coming to Davie, The Commons, but it will be some time down the road, especially since Weston is fighting its coming as if it were the Antichrist. Ah Weston, you can be so compulsively anal about anything that is not masterly planned for at least fifty years...

So you can imagine how happy I was to discover the Boca Town Mall this year which I described to a friend as absolutely mind blowing. What bad choice of words....for that is exactly what happened to poor Nancy Bochicchio and her seven year old daughter Joey just last week in the mall's parking lot. And before that was a woman and her two year old who had been kidnapped at the same mall and eventually released unharmed in August. And before that was poor Randi Gorenberg who was last seen leaving the mall, only to be found shot and thrown from her mercedes this past March. Coincidence? Just now Boca residents are questioning why no news coverage was given to these earlier incidents, and the security services at the Boca Town Mall never made customers even aware. The suspect's sketch is the most information Boca residents have received thus far.

Wondering if your favorite shopping spot is safe? Check the list of malls around the country that indicate the crime rate for their area. Here are some of the top ten with Aventura taking first place in the country! Congrats Miami!

Rapes, armed robbery, car theft, car break ins, child abductions, pick pocketing....these are only a few of the more garden variety of crimes at your local shopping outlet. I won't even begin to talk about the crazy sniper shootings that recently made the news. But when I checked back even my old Malls had quite a history. A security guard was shot at the Broward Mall by someone trying to shoplift, a woman was raped in the Galleria Mall shopping lot, a man robbed the Polo outlet at Sawgrass and ran shooting through the Cheesecake Factory. Sawgrass Mills was sued & paid out a $325,000 settlement a few years back for negligence in failing to provide adequate security after a woman was assaulted in the parking lot and evidence in the case revealed that the Sawgrass Mall, which is one the largest malls in the country as well as Florida's largest retail & entertainment center and a major tourist attraction, had non-functioning security cameras, minimal security protection for their parking lots and inadequate lighting, all of which created a dangerous lure for criminal activity in its parking lot.

In case you thought the Mall you loved actually loved you back. Never mind wearing comfortable shoes, better to pack a bullet proof vest the next time you hit Dillard's after Christmas sale.

It won't stop me shopping. But it sure has me wondering what kind of damage the NRA has done to this country by making sure every criminal out there is well armed. Why have our legislators let this lobby monster grow unchallenged? When do we stand and say stop to another holiday killing, another school shooting, another needless death courtesy of the NRA?

Nancy Bochicchio and her beautiful daughter Joey are paying the price along with the rest of us. Guns do not make us free, they are making us prisoners in our own country.