Miami Is Depressed

As if having more foreclosures than the beach has sand isn't enough...now Miami has the dubious honor of being rated numero second in Forbes list of Most Miserable Cities.

According to the Misery Index which no one has ever heard of before, Miamians are suffering due to the high unemployment, foreclosures, crime rate, traffic, and corrupt politicians. The only reason Miami didn't make number one was because of the great weather and a lack of state income tax. Last year Miami was only number six, so who knows, maybe next year we'll climb to the very top of the miserable list.

But tonight I'm gonna pour myself a nice cold glass of Pinot Grigio & climb into the backyard jacuzzi where I can happily toast to misery while the sun sets and the palm trees sway.

Shark Cruises Miami Streets

The good news is that it "wasn't a body" discovered last night on the streets of Miami as one relieved observer first said, given all the recent shootings in Overtown.

Nope, it was a six foot nurse shark left after two men first took him to Garcia's fish market on a bike no less, and then for a last ride on a Metromover train in downtown Miami Tuesday night. Why take a shark out for a night on the town you might ask...well they had high hopes of selling the shark meat to local fisheries at a bargain price of only only ten bucks, reasonable considering it was covered in flies. Alas, no one wanted their reeking fly covered catch of the evening.

Police are now looking for the two idiots that dragged a shark around Miami streets so they can be charged with improper killing, disposal of an animal and trying to sell a shark without a license. As for the shark, local wildlife folks just threw the body back into the ocean... A true tale from HavanaBananaLand. (turn off music box at bottom to listen to video).

Miami Still Ranks!

No, I don't mean it in any negative sense, that would be too easy. But for those of us living here it's nice to know that somewhere, someone would love to trade places! We may have hurricanes and our uzis but at least we are not up to our elbows in snow and most of us have never owned a pair of snow boots. Foot protection is a pair of flip flops, and anything past sleeveless is considered winter clothing.

A recent Pew Research Center survey reports that 28 percent of Americans would like to live here in Miami, beating out New York (a crappy 24%) and Las Vegas (23%)! Wow so Miami somehow ranked in the top half of the 30-city survey although Tampa and Orlando beat it out. Can't imagine why...Tampa has more drugs & crime than South Florida (although the city of Hollywood is trying real hard these days to move into first place) & Orlando is king of homicide deaths, but they do have Mickey so maybe that's it.

Still there's a lot to be said for Miami...sun, South Beach, beaches, Coral Gables, palm trees, the Grove, Little Havana, great people, some the most beautiful homes in the world not to mention zillions of foreclosures to pick from, but most importantly...the best damn Cuban food on the planet, especially Don Arturos, my all time fav. But be forewarned, there will be an artic moment coming day after tomorrow when the temps drop to a frost. Don't forget to turn off the a/c.

Calle Ocho Party Time

Today Calle Ocho turns a ripe 30 years old. If you are young enough, wanna be drunk enough, and don't mind the crowd or hot sun, head down to Flagler for Miami's biggest block party of the year. Over 1 million people will be heading down to SW 8 Street to sway their hips to the sounds of 16 stages to include Harry Connick Jr., Flo Rida, Wyclef Jean and Herbie Hancock.

Plenty of warm beer, mojitos, traffic, arepas, and empanadas for the entire conga line. Just think, if Castro had not been such a jerk none of us here would have ever learned to dance salsa, appreciate a perfectly prepared tamale (this can only be found at Don Arturos by the way), or drive Cuban style.

Muchos gracias to our South Florida Latinos for teaching this state how to party...

A Night of Flamingo Voyeurism

Who would have ever thought that Flamingoes like to perform in sex shows, or frogs prefer three-ways, and that size does matter in the world of whales.

Happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Miami Metrozoo's annual Sex and the Animals event. This pre-Valentine's Day lecture is wildly popular, attracting more than 400 people to hear the sleezy tiger porn details.

Amidst mood music from Marvin Gaye and Elton John, glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the warm glow of tiki torches under the romantic half moon, the audience is stirred to blush at the images of crazy tiger and panda sex capades. All up close and personal like on a large projection screen in the zoo's outdoor amphitheater so you don't miss a single erotic moment. There are dozens of animal sex shots in kama sutra positions you might not have thought possible, not to mention titillating pieces of information you really didn't want to know.

For instance, were you even aware that since female pandas have only a three day window in which they can conceive, something zookeepers try to make the most of by helping the pandas to get into the groove by showing them panda porn flicks? I didn't think so.

I would imagine you had no idea that the regal member of a blue whale is an impressive 10 feet. You can bet he doesn't need to go around asking if his jack robinson is big enough for you girl?!!

Of course it is all for a good cause, benefiting the Zoological Society of Florida, offered several times a year. So for a unique Valentine's Day gift your significant other will not soon forget, or anytime you can make a reservation, make your way down (no pun intended) for a night of animal porn at Metrozoo.

Finding Jesus

Looking for God in all the wrong places? Technology has stepped in to make the ancient search for Jesus a sure thing.



In Bal Harbour (one of the wealthiest areas of Miami if you didn't already know, definitely home to the best Neimans) baby Jesus took off for parts unknown from the Nativity display in the Bal Harbour's Founders Circle. A $500. reward was posted for his safe return and local radio stations along with the Bal Harbour police urged his return. But nobody stepped forward.

Thanks not to the Three Wise Men tracking a star in the east, but to the efforts of a Jewish lawyer, a new baby Jesus was found, one that is now equipped with a GPS tracking device. In addition Jesus comes with a plexiglass shield (is it bulletproof too one might wonder) that makes it harder to reach into the manager and kidnap him.

Merry Christmas South Florida, for helping bring the meaning to the season as only you could. God Bless each and every one, even the crazies. Now I will go and make some eggnog with way too much rum. If there is such a thing.