Marijuanaville

Looking for ways to boost your own personal economic depression? You may have to look no further than your own backyard...garage...bathroom. Yes sir just take those seeds of doubt and let them sprout into your very own cannabis garden of delight South Florida style! This is the perfect climate to grow that special variety of Mean Miami Green, and no better time than these humid summer, fall, winter, spring months. Year round opportunities.

No need to wait it out for Sarah Palin to grow a brain, nor wait for the Congress or House to save Main Street. Why hell, you could own Main street if your crop of green does well, as a good number of Florida developers have found to be evidently so over the years. But you never know, so just a caution should you decide to play Farmer Bob... be advised that the family who grows pot together just might end up in court together.

Still, think of the bonding....why even little ole Abuela can lend a helping hand with the watering can.

Iguanas Rule

What is it with all the iguana haters down here? It's not like the thorny green lizards are going after our live young for god's sake. If anything should be on the animal hit list it should be the cucarachas (and don't tell me they're just bugs, they're the size of mice down here.)

But no, our official city idiots are now putting iguana worries way ahead of our disappearing population & tourists, the high cost of living, mortgage & rental fraud skyrocketing, not to mention increased crime due to gun violence.

Don't you think that instead of coming up with iguana rules, we should turn our lemons into lemonade? Why not make the best of it by sending our green skinned friends upstate to replace the rather reptilian guard in Tallahassee? We could pay them in flowers instead of our dollars...why think of all the money lobby groups could be saving.

Yes, I do believe, those are the real reptiles we need to be concerned with ousting.

Gator Big Mac

Looking for ways to trim your grocery bill while making sure you get enough protein in these lean economical times? Folks in Florida just need to take out the boats and head west for U.S. 27 where there are more gators than mosquitos.

High in protein & ever so abundant in their growing numbers, gators are being added to the deli counter right next to the boarshead. I can see it now, Gator Picadillo, Gator Meatballs, Fresh Gator Tail Salad....after all, it's only fair we start eating them for a change. Heavens knows they've been feeding off us for years.

Check out this eerie article on unidentified bodies dumped in West Broward & Palm Beach Canals going back to the 1970s...and these are the ones they've found (more or less). No wonder gators aren't afraid of humans anymore, we've been their gourmet delights for a long, long time.

Time to change the game rules?

Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:

Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons

Water....ice....a few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?

Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.

And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.

Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.

Grove Not Grooving on Peacocks

Peacock poop is not exactly da shit in Coconut Grove these days. Grove residents have worked themselves in a real peafoul stew over the colorful birds, describing health concerns from peacock droppings affecting them with respiratory ailments, as well as the aggravation of having to daily wash cars to remove peacock caca. The birds also keep residents awake with their night partying cries.

There are at least 3 dozen peacocks, all of which are protected under a Miami law that designates the city a bird sanctuary, further protecting them from trappers, so their removal is no easy feat. City Commissoner Mark Sarnoff is looking into solutions while probably praying daily they fly to Ft. Lauderdale, like half of Miami has done.

Although I love peacocks I can remember totally sleepless nights as a child in Hialeah, listening to the horrible sounding screams they made from the nearby farms along Red Road. Of course the farms are long gone and in their place some of the ugliest apartment housing to be found in South Florida.

Almost as bad, maybe even worse than looking at peacock poop.

Goat Head Soup

Santeria practitioners have been sent to the back of the bus when it comes to animal sacrificing in Broward county. Goats and chickens in Ft. Lauderdale can heave a sigh of relief knowing that the only place in South Florida they are not safe would be in the greater Miami/Hialeah area. If they are smart domestic animals they will stick far north of the Palmetto.

There is an estimated 100,000 people practicing the Santeria religion in South Flo, and if you want more information on animal sacrificing techniques you can either visit the Lukimi church in Hialeah, or take a course in Afro Cuban Divination at FIU this fall (I swear to God). Practitioners cite their rights to tack goat heads to trees under religious freedom laws, and hope that tolerance for ritualistically skinned animals improves. Oh, yeah, that is going to happen here in Weston. Can't you just see the quaint little Santeria shop opening next to Starbucks?

My only personal experience with the dark side was to stumble upon a fully dressed chicken (minus a head) sitting tied to a small chair in the middle of the road. If you have any idea what this might represent, feel free to chime in...

Disney World Says No to Guns at Work

Well it looks like Mickey Mouse & pals had the balls to say no when our irresponsible legislators and senators lacked the courage to do just that. This no would be Disney's response to the infamous although recent Preservation and Protection of the Right to Keep and Bear Arms in Motor Vehicles Act of 2008, the gun bill that encourages lunatic employees throughout Florida to store their guns in their work vehicles (makes going postal all the more convenient don't you know?)

Disney cited exemption under a clause in the bill due to their use and storage of explosives, which exempts companies from complying with the lunacy bill sponsored by Sen. Durell Peaden who is now having a stroke objecting, "Not Disney...not at all!!"

Don't worry tourists, Disneys zero tolerance for bringing firearms to work will be grounds for termination at most Disney properties not including the Disney Cruise Line parking lots or Vero Beach Resort. On the other hand you may really want to rethink that trip to Sea World where they proudly proclaim supporting employees rights to bring guns to that tourist resort parking lot.

Hats off to Mickey for trying to stop the gun madness that has swept Florida. One can only surmise that the NRA dollars don't seem to sway Disney quite the way they have affected Florida's elected representatives.