Hurricane Preparation

So another storm, maybe a hurricane, maybe not, is headed for South Florida. My unofficial list of hurricane supplies based on my years of hurricane experience is as follows:

Cat litter (very important unless you want to hold kitty out the window by it's ears)

Microwave frozen dinners....screw tuna fish, the generator can run at least that much.

Relatively new DVDs (again, don't forget the importance of gas in the generator).

Toilet paper

Tampons

Water....ice....a few bottles of pinot grigio...maybe some limes and a bottle of dark Myers rum because you know you're going to go outside if there is an eye right?

Finally, and most important, do not let any men of the household get hurricane rations because they will only come back with a hundred bags of chips, pretzels, nuts, crackers, cookies and you will end up 100 pounds heavier by the end of the storm. They are only allowed to get the water, wait in line for gas, and take cash out of the ATM.

And don't forget the importance of getting your nails done because it could be a while.

Almost sounds like just another day in South Florida.

Grove Not Grooving on Peacocks

Peacock poop is not exactly da shit in Coconut Grove these days. Grove residents have worked themselves in a real peafoul stew over the colorful birds, describing health concerns from peacock droppings affecting them with respiratory ailments, as well as the aggravation of having to daily wash cars to remove peacock caca. The birds also keep residents awake with their night partying cries.

There are at least 3 dozen peacocks, all of which are protected under a Miami law that designates the city a bird sanctuary, further protecting them from trappers, so their removal is no easy feat. City Commissoner Mark Sarnoff is looking into solutions while probably praying daily they fly to Ft. Lauderdale, like half of Miami has done.

Although I love peacocks I can remember totally sleepless nights as a child in Hialeah, listening to the horrible sounding screams they made from the nearby farms along Red Road. Of course the farms are long gone and in their place some of the ugliest apartment housing to be found in South Florida.

Almost as bad, maybe even worse than looking at peacock poop.

Goat Head Soup

Santeria practitioners have been sent to the back of the bus when it comes to animal sacrificing in Broward county. Goats and chickens in Ft. Lauderdale can heave a sigh of relief knowing that the only place in South Florida they are not safe would be in the greater Miami/Hialeah area. If they are smart domestic animals they will stick far north of the Palmetto.

There is an estimated 100,000 people practicing the Santeria religion in South Flo, and if you want more information on animal sacrificing techniques you can either visit the Lukimi church in Hialeah, or take a course in Afro Cuban Divination at FIU this fall (I swear to God). Practitioners cite their rights to tack goat heads to trees under religious freedom laws, and hope that tolerance for ritualistically skinned animals improves. Oh, yeah, that is going to happen here in Weston. Can't you just see the quaint little Santeria shop opening next to Starbucks?

My only personal experience with the dark side was to stumble upon a fully dressed chicken (minus a head) sitting tied to a small chair in the middle of the road. If you have any idea what this might represent, feel free to chime in...

Disney World Says No to Guns at Work

Well it looks like Mickey Mouse & pals had the balls to say no when our irresponsible legislators and senators lacked the courage to do just that. This no would be Disney's response to the infamous although recent Preservation and Protection of the Right to Keep and Bear Arms in Motor Vehicles Act of 2008, the gun bill that encourages lunatic employees throughout Florida to store their guns in their work vehicles (makes going postal all the more convenient don't you know?)

Disney cited exemption under a clause in the bill due to their use and storage of explosives, which exempts companies from complying with the lunacy bill sponsored by Sen. Durell Peaden who is now having a stroke objecting, "Not Disney...not at all!!"

Don't worry tourists, Disneys zero tolerance for bringing firearms to work will be grounds for termination at most Disney properties not including the Disney Cruise Line parking lots or Vero Beach Resort. On the other hand you may really want to rethink that trip to Sea World where they proudly proclaim supporting employees rights to bring guns to that tourist resort parking lot.

Hats off to Mickey for trying to stop the gun madness that has swept Florida. One can only surmise that the NRA dollars don't seem to sway Disney quite the way they have affected Florida's elected representatives.

Hookers On Wheels

Miami Beach undercover police busted a riding brothel on wheels this week after paying the $40. bus fare just to climb on board. After paying for $20.00 lap dances (how many?) and a $125.00 entrance fee to the private curtained VIP section where they were promised the time of their lives, police arrested three prostitutes & assorted friends.

All this as the sleek black cruiser bus rolled down Collins Avenue. Yes, the officers claim they showed their badges and did not remove their clothing, although they did admit to enjoying a vodka with cranberry juice.

For those of you tourists following South Florida market prices, the going price for a blow job on Collins would be $100.



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Florida #2 Gun Runners!

Much to everyone's surprise Florida lost the number one spot in gun exportation to Georgia according to the latest Brady report. Still Florida managed to export 2,328 guns last year to stronger gun control states (that would be about any state but this one), guns that were then used in crimes.

They couldn't have done it without the help of most of our state representatives and legislators, not to mention our governor. So it's no surprise that while most of the nation shows a decrease in crime according to FBI stats, South Florida shows an increase, especially in homicides.

But if this year has been any indication, you all just wait and watch Florida rise to number one Gun runner in the nation come next year given the faithful support of the NRA lobbyists. Tallahassee has deep pockets, and you can bet it's not to hold any of our homegrown oranges either.

Sawgrass Mall Wins!

It's official...Sawgrass Mall, that sacred tourist highlight of many a tour, now ranks as having the highest number of robberies in South Florida. Not only highest, but at a glance easily triple or quadruple other malls.

This gives those of us in Weston have very good reason to warmly welcome our potentially new stomping grounds, The Commons, if it ever gets built. It will be so nice to park and walk into a mall without having to pack one's magnum. Not that I have a magnum. No way would I ruin the shape of one of my purses. But until the city of Weston decides to stop locking horns with Davie over The Commons, I'll have to settle for packing the Chihuahua instead.

Pudgy dogs get can get so mean on an empty stomach that I will have nothing to fear.