Oh Give Me a Home Where Neanderthals Don't Roam

Oh Joy! Florida is moving into a new age as evidenced by the mere mention of evolution being taught in the public school curriculum. How long did it take our department of education to think about this before deciding to mention it to students is a little frightening. I hope they are not holding back on anything else.

Of course the subject itself can only be referred to as the theory of evolution, as a compromise to the bible whacking crowd who are having a fit over it being mentioned at all. It just goes to prove that some of us have evolved...and some have not. Still some are evolving backwards in case anyone has recently visited Floribama. Maybe evolution just hasn't quite caught on in certain parts of the deep South, or perhaps some individuals show a unique resistance to moving forward. It is enough to make one lose sleep, perhaps even entertain thoughts of relocating to Canada.

I've done some careful research, and after much thought, selected the following video which supports Darwinists everywhere...

A Night of Flamingo Voyeurism

Who would have ever thought that Flamingoes like to perform in sex shows, or frogs prefer three-ways, and that size does matter in the world of whales.

Happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Miami Metrozoo's annual Sex and the Animals event. This pre-Valentine's Day lecture is wildly popular, attracting more than 400 people to hear the sleezy tiger porn details.

Amidst mood music from Marvin Gaye and Elton John, glasses of Pinot Grigio, and the warm glow of tiki torches under the romantic half moon, the audience is stirred to blush at the images of crazy tiger and panda sex capades. All up close and personal like on a large projection screen in the zoo's outdoor amphitheater so you don't miss a single erotic moment. There are dozens of animal sex shots in kama sutra positions you might not have thought possible, not to mention titillating pieces of information you really didn't want to know.

For instance, were you even aware that since female pandas have only a three day window in which they can conceive, something zookeepers try to make the most of by helping the pandas to get into the groove by showing them panda porn flicks? I didn't think so.

I would imagine you had no idea that the regal member of a blue whale is an impressive 10 feet. You can bet he doesn't need to go around asking if his jack robinson is big enough for you girl?!!

Of course it is all for a good cause, benefiting the Zoological Society of Florida, offered several times a year. So for a unique Valentine's Day gift your significant other will not soon forget, or anytime you can make a reservation, make your way down (no pun intended) for a night of animal porn at Metrozoo.

Guns Don't Kill; Gun Owners Do

It would be so nice if just a day would go by without another senseless shooting. But those are days are becoming rare now, as guns are found in schools, in stores, in homes and everywhere but where they should be...under lock and key.

It doesn't take but a moment of anger and impulse to draw a weapon, that despite all the claims "guns don't kill", sure manages to extinguish that life spark in under a minute. Something Jerome Jackson found out the hard way. He had been arguing with his Lauderdale Lake's neighbor last week over the length of the lawn, when instead of a yelling match or fistfight, a gun settled the score. Jerome is now dead and his neighbor charged with homicide after pulling out his trusty gun from his waistband to settle a dispute that is becoming almost commonplace in Florida. I am starting to see the light behind the guns don't kill mantra.

It's the idiot gun owners that do. Eureka!

You would think with all the senseless gun violence escalating in South Florida our legislators would do everything in their power to control the spread of this gun epidemic. But not Florida's Senator Mel Martinez. No, he along with a good many other senators are doing their best to push through a bill allowing firearms to be carried in our national parks. I did write him to question why and his response was that "inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome, and unnecessary." Which of course explains everything.

Because just imagine if a burdensome regulation had somehow limited Jerome Jackson's crazy neighbor from ever owning a gun....he might actually be alive today.

But the legislative attitude seems to be more along the lines of heaven forbid we burden a gun owner.

It makes one wonder if the money from gun lobby groups now dropping into the laps of greedy, irresponsible legislators will ever dry up...and when the people being so mercilessly gunned down by the the people holding the guns will stand up for their rights.

Enough already, enough.

An Everglades Sunset

For some the last stop is a hospital room, a hospice bed, a bloodied car wreckage. But if you had a chance to end it your way, exactly what way would that be?

For one man his last moment on earth was deep inside the desolate mystery of the excruciating isolated yet beautiful Everglades National Park in Flamingo Park. Exactly where no one knows for the only thing they found of Brian Renton was a suicide note to his family, his truck, a canoe, and an empty gun case (well, this is Florida). Dying of stomach cancer and without insurance he bid a farewell to those he loved and returned to the wild loneliness of Flamingo where he trudged through the mangroves of Whitewater Bay to take his last breath.

Flamingo is the park where no matter where you drive each mangrove finger looks pretty much like the one before. Where the key deer roam free through the sawgrass and the python swallows the alligator, and the only thing bigger would be the mosquitoes.

Where the incredibly stunning sunset at the end of the day promises that quiet infinity hungry souls long for....

Florida's New Dress Code

"No hats, no hoods, no sunglasses or no service" ... at Florida banks.

Florida has another claim to fame this year. Let's hear a drum roll for the number of bank robberies in our sunshine state which has increased 40% in 2007. So the Florida bankers here have decided to prohibit the wearing of sunglasses, caps, and hoods which bank robbers use so often to prevent easy identification.

Anyone who walks in with the dated robber fashionware will promptly be shuffled off to a separate and secured area. Next year just watch, we will be doing our banking business in the buff. Oh Florida, wouldn't it have made a whole lot more sense not to have armed every idiot in the whole state with their choice of assault weapon to begin with?

Now you will have to excuse me, but I think I will start to work on my ab toning just in case they add more clothes to the list.

Disneyworld? Or Armpit of the South?

Technically Orlando is in Central, not South Florida, but it deserves a special mention, especially since it is home not only to Disneyworld, but to the largest redneck population in Florida, hands down in any contest. Orlando stands as a perfect example on the need for gun control laws in Florida. We don't have much in the way of gun control laws here for those of you planning on moving or visiting...just a lot of guns, bullets, deaths, injuries, which are increasing every year. Homicide rates are increasing in Orlando as much as they are here in Broward county, as the American gun industry consistently provides such a nice variety of arsenal to pick from.

Last week an eight year old boy was arrested in Orlando for bringing his uncle's semi automatic gun to school, (not his uncle, not his aunt, just him). It warranted only a brief mention in Orlando papers, but the astonishing news was in reading the many comments from gun fanatics there expressing concerns NOT for what could have happened to the other students....but that their guns stay their guns.



Dear, dear me but it certainly appears that we must bid an adios to Clint Eastwood with his sexy hat and masterful holster! That sexy Marlboro cowboyman of yesteryear has given birth to a rather smaller, pointier head disappointing version complete with over-sized buck teeth and all of a high school education (this probably overly generous). Optional accessories include pick up truck with gun rack of course, and a pack of younguns practicing with their own rifles, while a chorus of proud voice resonates 'My kids respect guns'.

Too sadly it looks like our future hopes are only our future dopes. Never mind being afraid of criminals with guns, until we start intelligence screening at time of gun purchase, we had better beware the typical Florida gun owner.

Even more sadly, and I try not to despair, there will never be another Clint Eastwood.

Butt Cracks in Palm Beach

The family that gets arrested together in Palm Beach, stays together.

Just recently six members of a family were arrested at a Palm Beach mall in Wellington in a scene that included 20 deputies, two canine units and a police helicopter. Police locked down the area, shut down roads leading to the mall and for what you might wonder?

In the words of a police official, "His pants were down below his butt. No one goes to the mall and wants to see the crack of someone's butt. The mall doesn't put up with that tomfoolery bullcrap."

That would be correct, a case of saggy pants in Palm Beach draws out a police arsenal only to be compared to a kidnapping. It started with an FSU student arrested for trespassing after returning to a mall he had been thrown out of for wearing his pants too low. Then both parents got into the act and were arrested, charged with trespassing, resisting an officer with violence, assault with intent to commit felony, two counts of battery on a police officer, and assault on a law enforcement officer. Then the 18 year old daughter, a Florida A & M student was charged with four counts of her own. But let's not leave out cousin Alain, 19, who was charged as well with 3 counts of his own. Then there was the 16 year old cousin who was charged as a juvenile on a battery charge. The mother and cousin had prior arrests, but insist their treatment is due to racism, as they are Haitian (not to mention true Jerry Springer material). They indicate when they visit the Palm Beach Mall, people there stare at them, and they feel unwelcome.

Sheriff's Capt. Greg Richter, Wellington's senior law enforcement officer, countered: "The family got involved and tried to intervene and tried to resist the officers and that's why they were subsequently arrested. It had nothing to do with the color of their skin. It had to do with their actions."

So the gold star of the week goes to Wellington Police in Palm Beach as they fight the brave war against butt cracks. And to think we here in Broward were so foolishly concerned about increasing homicide rates. But should you happen to see the video appear, as we all know it will, kindly send it in this direction.